Hayes Contract Re-Cancelled
by Abe Prilwon
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
In a stunning turn of events, the contract of Sacramento Kings center Chuck Hayes has been cancelled for health reasons for the second time in a week.
Hayes, who originally signed a 4 year contract worth 21 million dollars with the Kings on December 9th, only to see it cancelled a week later when test results seemed to indicate a heart related health problem, had yesterday resigned with the team for a slightly larger 22.3 million deal.
The new exam, once again conducted by the school nurse at Andrew Carnegie Middle School due to staffing cutbacks at Kings' headquarters, revealed more bad news for Hayes, prompting the team to again void his contract.
Kings GM Geoff Petrie was once again devastated by the news.
Reached on a scouting trip to the Southwestern Oklahoma Little Peoples Basketball League All Star Game, he said in a statement: ‘This morning, in a moment nearly as heart-breaking as the last most heart-breaking moment of my professional or personal life, Chuck Hayes was notified that he again failed his physical exam with the Sacramento Kings.’
Hayes was immediately pulled from the scrimmage he had been running with the Andrew Carnegie boys basketball team for fear that he might be further injured by his bigger opponents.
While details of the diagnosis have again been withheld by the team at Hayes request, sources at the school suggest that Hayes may have suffered a second degree torn cuticle.
"Hangnails suck," said seventh grader Lindsay Applebean.
While the odds of having to void two contracts within a week with the same free agent due to health concerns seem long, Kings officials deny that their decision had anything to do with team owners Joe and Gavin Maloof having bounced their cable bill this month.
"Joe and Gavin now ride their bikes to work, and have managed to find many fashionable clothing options at local thrift stores" said team president and marketing director and also second floor janitor Matina Kolokotronis. "They have maintained that winning is their only goal, and have taken the steps necessary to financially compete in the NBA."
Petrie, who also added the titles of Director of Ticket Sales and swing shift security guard to his resume after the most recent round of personnel consolidations, insisted that Hayes will be welcome to sign with the Kings a third time if he is again cleared of his suspected medical problems.
Hayes for his part sounded philosophical about the possibility of resigning with the team which has twice cancelled a contract with him.
"I'm gunning for 25," he said.
