VF21's Way-Back machine: Slim's 5000th post

[VF21]

VF21: All right. It's time for the main event. A huge game of Calvinball!!! This'll be great!

This game is going to start in the parking lot outside ARCO arena, where a course has already been laid out. There will be two teams, each having their own flag. Randomly placed items, like wickets and flags, cover each team's side, and the Calvinball has been placed in the middle of the field. The two teams will be NME, Glenn and Mr. Slim Citrus versus Bricklayer, JoMama and JSin. But don't expect those teams to stay the same. Anything can happen in Calvinball!


With that, the six competitors come walking out and walk onto the playing field. Special guest ring announcer 6thmanfan also comes out, microphone in hand, and stands in the middle of the playing field, above the Calvinball.

6th: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to tonight's main event. This game of Calvinball has a few rules:

1. Every participant must wear their Calvinball mask at all times. No one is allowed to question the masks.
2. Any player may declare a new rule at any time, either audibly or silently, depending on what zone they're in.
3. A player may use the Calvinball in any way that player sees fit.
4. Any penalty legislation may be in the form of pain, embarrassment, or any degradation the rulee wishes to inflict upon the player.
5. The Calvinball Field consists of areas, or zones, which are governed by a set of rules declared by players. Zones may appear and disappear often and wherever the player decides. For example, a corollary zone would enable a player to make a corollary to any rule already made. Or a pernicious poem place would require the intruder to do what the name implies. Or an opposite zone would enable a player to declare reverse playability on the others.
6. Flags shall be named by players whom shall also assign the power and rules that shall govern that flag.
7. Songs are an integral part of Calvinball and verses must be sung spontaneously through the game when randomly assigned events occur.
8. Score may be kept or disregarded. In the event that score is kept, it shall have no bearing on the game nor shall it have any logical consistency to it.
9. Any rule above that is carried out during the course of the game may never be used again in the event that it causes the same result as a previous game. Calvinball games may never be played the same way twice.

Now introducing the players: On the red side of the field,The MAD Sailor, Mr. Slim Citrus!

And the crowd goes wild!

6th: Also on the red team, a KingsFans original, Glenn!

Polite applause.

6th: Finally, on the red team, the Contract Killer, NME!

A golf clap.

6th: And introducing the blue team: The Bat Man himself, Bricklayer!

Silence

6th: The Master of King-fu, JoMama!

VF21 checks her watch.

6th: And, the first 2000 post man in KingsFans history, Jsin!

Crickets chirping.

6th: Gentlemen, to your places!

6th blows a whistle, and the game begins. NME runs to midfield and grabs the Calvinball just a second before anyone else reaches it. He pelts it at JoMama's face as Slim runs over the midfield line. JoMama catches the ball, and throws it at Slim. The poorly thrown ball lands at Slim’s feet, and manages to trip him. Slim falls forward helplessly as his jaw smacks into the asphalt! Glenn grabs the Calvinball, and runs with it into the blue side of the field.

Meanwhile, Bricklayer reaches the red flag, grabs it, and starts jumping wickets. Across the field, Glenn spikes the Calvinball into JoMama’s head, and uses the distraction to go for the blue flag. Jsin recovers the ball, and throws it at the back of Glenn’s head, sending him down over the boundary line, but Slim picks up the blue flag, and runs to center field. Bricklayer manages to tackle him before he gets too far, and takes the blue flag back, but NME comes to the aid of his teammate, grabbing Bricklayer by the legs, and pulling him back to midfield.

Glenn gets up, and retrieves the Calvinball. J and JoMama go to Brick’s aid as Slim rises, and Glenn comes running back into the field. He grabs a handful of earth from the field and flings it at Slim, and the suddenly startled sailor falls down, creating a domino effect that topples Jsin and JoMama as well. Upset, Slim throws dirt back at him, and J uses the distraction to grab the red flag. He runs into the blue field, and plants the flag on his side. J declares that he has scored a point, and the whistle blows.

6th: Point for the blue team! Penalty to Mr. Slim Citrus for attacking a team member.

Slim: What? He started it!!!

6th: Slim must sit out for five minutes.

Slim: Ah, screw this! I secede from the red team. I'm on my own team now.

NME: Hey… you can do that?

6th: (shrug) You can do anything.

J: Cool! I secede!

J suddenly spins around and beans JoMama with the Calvinball. Slim snatches the red flag in the confusion, and is pursued by J.

J: YOU'RE IN THE BACKWARDS ZONE! YOU HAVE TO TURN AROUND AND RUN BACKWARDS!

Slim: Hah! Shows what you know! This backwards zone is in the reversal area! That means that whoever calls a zone has to do it themselves!

J: …

DAMN!

Nonetheless, J obliges, and he continues to pursue Slim, while running backwards. JoMama tackles catches up to him and tackles him as payback from the Calvinball hit, and NME, ever the opportunist, grabs the blue flag.

Glenn and NME then pounce on Slim, who pulls a wicket from the ground to protect himself. Glenn grabs the red flag, and Bricklayer chucks the Calvinball at him. Slim grabs a red polka dot flag out of the ground, and touches Glenn with it.

Slim: Hah! I touched you with the bag flag!

Glenn: Bag flag? What's that?

Slim: It means you have to hop around in a bag until you find the zone of normality.

Glenn: Where's that?

Slim: It's hidden somewhere inside an opposite zone.

Suddenly, a water balloon is chucked at Slim as Glenn gets in the bag.

Brick: Haha! I hit you with a vortex balloon! You have to spin around until you get sick!

Slim proceeds to spin in place as Brick runs after Glenn with the Calvinball. NME hops over the time-fracture wickets, blue flag in hand. He picks up the red flag, and declares a point. The whistle blows.

6th: Point for NME. The score is Q13 to ZY4.

J picks up a yellow flag.

J: This is the max point flag! Anyone who scores with it gets high score!


WAP!

Bricklayer hits J with the Calvinball!

Brick: Ha! I call you have to plant the max point flag on top of the arena to score!

J runs off towards the arena, with Brick and JoMama hot on his heels. Slim finally gets sick and falls over. He pukes on the blacktop, which Glenn slips on and falls, knocking out a few time-fracture wickets. NME, unaware of the goings-on, trips over Glenn.

NME: Hey! You took out the time-fracture wickets!!! You have to touch the thirty-yard base wicket with the flag, or hop on one foot!

Glenn: Hop on one foot inside a bag? Why do I always get screwed?

Slim: You better hurry; you only have 20 seconds to do it!

Sighing, Glenn takes off with the red flag in his hand, hopping wickets while NME commences a one-man race around the perpetual point place.

Slim: Wait, NME! You just entered the water balloon challenge zone. I toss this water balloon in the air, and you have to catch it!

Slim tosses the balloon up in the air. NME stays underneath it, arms outstretched…

NME: That challenge zone was in a corollary zone! If I catch the balloon, the thrower has to bend over and hold still!

Slim: What?!

NME stays under the balloon as it falls.




BANG!


SPLOOSH!

Slim grabs a nearby tennis racket, and chucks it at the balloon, which explodes in mid air! NME is covered in the water!

NME: (angrily) Hey! You interfered with the challenge! Now you have to stay in the pernicious poem place, and apologize in haiku!

Slim thinks it over while Glenn returns, and touches NME with the flag.

Glenn: Now you have to go and stick your head in the bucket of water while whistling the Star Spangled Banner.

NME: Ah, but I declared this to be an opposite zone. Which means that you have to go and do what you just said.

Glenn: $#!+! CAN'T I GET A BREAK?!?

Glenn grumpily hops over to the sidelines, where a bucket of cold water is waiting for him.

Slim: Quite sorry am I
Breaking the balloon was bad
To Hell shall I go

NME: That haiku sucked.

Slim: (shrug) I know.

Continued...

 

[VF21]

continued:

Meanwhile Brick, JoMama and J arrive on the roof of the arena. J goes to plant the flag, but is hit by the Calvinball, thrown by Brick. J loses his balance, and topples from the roof, sliding down the curved dome. The max points flag falls to the parking lot below, where Slim picks it up.

Slim: I've got the max point flag! If I score with it, the game is over and I win!

Brick: You picked up the flag before it was scored with, so you have to plant the flag up here to score!

A wet Glenn hops back and touches Slim with a pink-striped flag.

Glenn: And I touched you with the enhancement flag, which means you have to go above and beyond the previous challenge. You have to plant the flag on top of the Empire State Building!

Slim: ...

Damn you all…

Slim takes off down the road. Everyone pauses; stunned that he is actually going to try it. Then they all take off after him, except for J, who is still stuck on the side of the arena. Slim runs to the back of the arena, hops in a limo, and tells the driver to go to the airport. The Calvinball hits the limo as it speeds off. All the other contestants get into their own cars as J comes out the back entrance; how he got down is a mystery to all.

They all head after the limo. Arriving at the airport, Slim jumps out of his limo first. All the rest wait for valet parking. Slim runs through the central concourse of the airport, before he realizes that he can't pay for a plane ticket. He pushes the fellow at the check-in desk aside, and slides down the ramp into the baggage area.

Glenn and Brick are the first into the airport. They search around, but can't find Slim anywhere. Brick runs through a security checkpoint while Glenn checks the restrooms. NME and JoMama enter next, and they proceed directly to the airline desks, attempting to purchase tickets for the next flight to New York. Finally, J enters. He begins to follow the others, when he happens to glance out one of the picture windows lining the hallway. Through it, he sees the baggage being loaded onto planes. And there, in the third car of a baggage convoy, he sees Slim, still holding the yellow flag. J breaks through the window, and runs after the baggage convoy, attracting the attention of his fellow participants and the airport security. Slim looks back, and sees J being detained by security. He laughs as the convoy approaches a large jet. As the bags from the first car are being loaded, Slim jumps off the back of the cart, and hides behind the landing gear. When the baggage man finishes with the load of luggage, he turns back to the terminal to pick up another cart.

Slim makes his move, climbing up into the belly of the plane. He finds a dark corner and waits for take-off. Meanwhile, back in the terminal, all the other participants are being detained by security. They are forced to wait in a small office while Officer Johnston interrogates. Once Officer Johnston is satisfied that they are not terrorists, he releases them. They all run up to the window, and look to see the plane making its way across the runway. J runs over to the airline desk, and asks for the next flight to New York, scheduled to leave in two hours.

A few hours later, a cramped Slim falls out of the baggage hold, and finds himself lying beside the airplane, which is parked at a terminal of Boston’s Logan Airport. Confused by how he managed to end up here, and by the many security men rushing towards him, Slim feels the best thing to do is to run away, down the runway, and hop into the Boston Harbor, which is exactly what he does. Slim swims across the harbor; he hops on a shuttle bus, which takes him to South Station. He then takes the Red Line to Cambridge, where he seeks out a three-story yellow house, and knocks on the door. 511PF opens the door, and stares at the wet, messy, yellow-flag-wielding Mr. Slim Citrus standing on his doorstep.

Slim: Hey, you got to help me. I need to win this game of Calvinball. I've got five guys on my back, and I need to plant this flag on top of the Empire State Building.

511PF: You know, while Calvin and Hobbes kicks @$$, I could really care less about your stupid game of Calvinball right now.

Slim: Hey, c'mon. I heard you’re really a nice guy!

511PF: Yeah, but MXC is on, man. It's the greatest show on Spike TV.

Slim: So frikkin' record it on your TiVo, already! I need to get to New York, now!

511PF: Ok, I do not set foot in New York as a rule. New York sucks. However, if you are that desperate, you can take my car.

Slim: Thanks, man!

511PF: But not the good car. You can take the crappy minivan.

Slim: Aw, come on!

511PF: Hey, cars I drive do NOT go to New York. Frikkin’ Yankees, think they're so great.

Slim: Fine! Just give me the damn keys!

Slim jumps into the minivan, starts the engine, and makes his way to the Mass. Pike, driving west like a soccer mom late for a practice. He manages to get across the state within the hour, and gets into New York City an hour later. As is usual with New York, traffic was a *****. Slim eventually decided to ditch the minivan and run to the Empire State Building. Slim, who has no idea of where he is going, relies entirely upon the city skyline to direct him. As a result, he does not see the Calvinball that skins his nose before crashing through a shop window.

Brick: CRAP! HOW'D I MISS?

Brick and NME run across the street after Slim, while Glenn goes to retrieve the Calvinball. Slim covers quite a bit of distance before JoMama bursts out of a phone booth and tackles him. Slim falls to the ground, and desperately tries to get up as JoMama pries at the flag in his left hand.

Brick and NME approach as Glenn sends the Calvinball right into the side of JoMama’s head. JoMama falls off of Slim, who jumps to his feet and takes off down the street like a bat out of hell. Brick picks up the Calvinball and charges down after him, with NME close behind. JoMama gets up and starts yelling at Glenn.

JoMama: Hey! What the hell was that all about?

Glenn: (shrugs) Sorry, I missed.

JoMama: Bull****! You were trying to take me out! You jerk!

Glenn pushes JoMama over, sending him to the sidewalk.

CRACK!

JoMama’s head smacks against the cement, and he is knocked out cold!

Glenn: That ought to shut you up…

Glenn takes off down the street. When JoMama eventually comes to, he hails a cab and instructs the driver to take him to the Empire State Building. Meanwhile, Slim has already made it to the base of the building. He pushes on into the lobby, despite his fatigue, and starts up the stairs. He turns the corner at the sixth floor, and comes face-to-face with J.

J: No way you're getting through me! I'm taking that flag from you!

Slim: Yeah... *huff*... well... *huff*

J: Dude, you're so tired you can't even talk! Just give me the flag, and I'll finish this.

Slim: (wheezing) Over... my... dead...

SHOVE!

J: Fine.

J gives Slim a push, sending him into the wall. He then grabs a nearby whiffle bat and batters any part of Slim left uncovered. Slim shrinks away, and enters the sixth floor through the stairwell door. He pushes a button as he runs by the elevators, mentally kicking himself for not taking it in the first place. Slim rounds a corner, and comes to a dead end hallway, with nothing but plate glass windows at the end. He turns back as J rounds the corner.

J: Give me the flag, now. Either way, I'll still get it. Why not make it easy on yourself?

(continued...)

 

[VF21]

(continued...)

Slim: Kiss off! I CALL UPON THE POWER OF


…



PIKACHU!!!

There is a rumble, and the earth begins to shake under their feet. Through the windows, Slim can see a yellow cab screech to a halt outside the building, and JoMama running into the building.

Slim: PIKACHU! I CHOOSE YOU!

Footsteps shake the ground as a gigantic Pikachu approaches the building. He lets out a mighty roar before climbing the building.

Pikachu: PIIIII—KAAAAA—CHUUUUU!!!

As Pikachu climbs the Empire State Building, his giant hands and feet smash through the walls of the building. His foot comes through right behind Slim! Slim jumps onto Pikachu's foot, and is carried up by the giant. As Pikachu approaches the top, Slim can hear the buzzing sound of approaching helicopters. Army copters approach the climbing Pikachu, and start shooting at him. Pikachu stops climbing, and starts swatting at the copters.

Slim decides this is as good a time as any to get off, and crawls through a hole in the wall, making his way back to the elevators. On the roof, the other four contestants wait for the elevator to arrive.

*Ding*

The doors open. Bricklayer chucks the Calvinball into the empty elevator. After a second of inactivity, the participants approach closer to the elevator, wondering where Slim could have disappeared to. They all step inside…

SLAM!

When suddenly, the doors close behind them! J presses the door open button, but it's too late; the elevator is already on its way down!

Glenn: What's going on?

J: Somebody in the lobby called the elevator, see? We're going all the way down.

The elevator arrives at the lobby, and the doors open to reveal JoMama.

JoMama: Did I miss him? Is he here already?

NME: YOU SILLY BASTARD! WE ALMOST HAD HIM!

J: JoMama... I hate you... so much...

Meanwhile, back on the roof, Slim arrives in a second elevator. He walks through the doors to the outside of the building, and looks up at the antennae. There, at the tip, is the place to plant the yellow flag. Slim grabs hold of the ladder, and begins to climb. He climbs up the radio antennae, stopping only once when he thinks he hears the voices of the other contestants below him. Slim continues to climb, blissfully unaware that the others have formed a human ladder, with Bricklayer on top, sitting on Glenn’s shoulders, preparing to throw the Calvinball. Slim reaches the top and looks back.

WHOOSH!

The Calvinball comes whizzing towards him! Slim reaches out, and catches it!

Slim: Ha! I caught the Calvinball! That means that all of you have got to stand still while I chuck it back at you.

Brick: …


Oh, crap...

Slim throws the Calvinball back, striking Glenn in the forehead.

CRASH!

The big man topples, bringing down all of the wrestlers below him. The five of them fall to the roof of the Empire State Building. Slim turns back, and plants the yellow flag on the tip of the antennae.

VF21: OH MY! MR. SLIM CITRUS WINS! WHAT AN AMAZING CONTEST!

6th: Here is your winner, and the Most Establised Poster of All Time... EVER... MR. SLIM CITRUS!

VF21: Holy cow! That was the best game of Calvinball EVER!


And then they all went back to the forest and ate S’Mores.


THE END

 

[Mad D]

!!!


..the way back machine still works for this site? Ill go dig something up..

EDIT:
aw no luck, i just wanted to dig up the old comic thread because it had a couple things i wanted to look at

 

[VF21]

I should have explained. The Way-Back Machine, in this instance, is VF21's hard-drive. I'm not really sure what all is on there.

From now on, if I find something to share, I'll call it VF21's Way-Back Machine!

 

[VF21]

It's the off-season and, after all the stress lately, I thought people might enjoy a bit of humor.

This was Mr. S£im Citrus' 5000th post on the board - before the SD. (Server disaster). I think it's worth reviving.

Enjoy!!!

 

[kennadog]

Now THAT was a fun read!

 

[6th]

VF21, thanks for reviving my favoritest post....ever!!!

Mr. Slim, you're still the man!!!!!!

 

[JSin]

I loved this post too, especially the Pikachu part. Had me cracking up.

Scary to think I was the first 2000 post guy here. I must have been posting in my sleep!

 

[VF21]

bump...