NBA's rank and file: Bill Simmons

[KingKong]

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/050701

NBA's rank and file
By Bill Simmons
Page 2

I know, I know – it's another NBA column. But we couldn't allow the offseason to start July 1 without an emergency edition of America's favorite annual column gimmick, "Which NBA player has the highest trade value?" Hold onto your seats – I'm holding you hostage for 4,400 words and roughly 48 separate paginated screens.


A quick recap of the rules

A. Salaries matter. Would you rather pay Chris Bosh $9.7 million for the next three years or Paul Pierce $47 million for the next three?

B. Age matters. Would you rather have Ray Allen for the next five seasons or Andrei Kirilenko for the next 12?


C. Pretend the league passed the following rule: For 24 hours, any player can be traded straight up for any other player without cap ramifications. So if Team A tells Team B, "We'll trade you Player X for Player Y straight up," would Team B make the deal or not?


D. Concentrate on degrees. For instance, neither the Rockets nor Suns would pull the trigger on an Amare-Yao trade. But at the very least, the Rockets say, "Wow, Amare's available?" while the Suns would say, "There's no way we're trading Amare." That counts in the big scheme of things.. Make the list in reverse order (Nos. 40 to 1). So if Carmelo Anthony comes in at No. 19, players 1 through 19 are all players about whom Denver would probably say, "We hate giving up 'Melo, but there's no way we can pass up that deal." And they wouldn't trade him for any player listed between Nos. 19 and 40.


Before we continue, let's bid adieu to the following players from last year's Top 40 who couldn't crack this year's list for the following reasons: Lamar Odom (No. 22 last year) had a "Maybe I should just fail another drug test so I don't have to play with Kobe anymore" look on his face from January on … Peja Stojakovic (31) has been exposed in the Post-Divac/Webber Era as someone who can't make his teammates better or create his own shot, as well as someone who may or may not have a pulse … Nene (37) might need to go back to using his last name … Carlos Boozer (38) had a promising career derailed by bad judgment (leaving LeBron) and suffocatingly bad karma (from stabbing a benevolent blind millionaire in the back) … and Joe Dumars has definitely passed the "If I trade him now, everyone will know I screwed up" point with Darko Milicic (40).

The toughest omissions from this year's list:


Mike Bibby (No. 29 last year) – I can't get over that Defcon 2 Stinkbomb in the Seattle series (when he made Luke Ridnour look like Bob Cousy). He also has four years and $51 million remaining on his bloated contract, which was apparently consummated at 4 a.m. after the Maloofs spent the night at Rain doing body shots off Tara Reid.

(But would you trade Bibby and Peja for Kobe? Hmmmmmm.)

Michael Redd (26) – Quality guy, great shooter, perfect third banana on a good team … but he lost trade value luster because he's eligible for a big-money extension this summer. At $3 million a year? Love him. At $12 million a year? Ugh.

 

[KingKong]

Sorry it's quite lengthy, so you will have to click on the link above to view the rest. Some pretty funny stuff from the page 2 guy.

 

[BobbyJ_for3!]

yeah, this was a good article by Simmons. Most of what he says is quite accurate.

(HELL no I wouldnt do Bibby + Peja for Kobe.)

 

[AriesMar27]

lebron is getting too much hype...... he could be either a durable kg type player, good but not good enough.... or a vince carter, insanely popular but after 1 injury then.... BAM... mediocrity....

he wont do half of the things that he's being hyped up for.... he might become the nba's anna kournikova....

 

[KP]

Peja Stojakovic (31) has been exposed in the Post-Divac/Webber Era as someone who can't make his teammates better or create his own shot, as well as someone who may or may not have a pulse …

The toughest omissions from this year's list:

Mike Bibby (No. 29 last year) – I can't get over that Defcon 2 Stinkbomb in the Seattle series (when he made Luke Ridnour look like Bob Cousy). He also has four years and $51 million remaining on his bloated contract, which was apparently consummated at 4 a.m. after the Maloofs spent the night at Rain doing body shots off Tara Reid.

Brutal^, unfortunately mostly true. It's up to these two guys to prove them wrong next year.

 

[VF21]

Peja Stojakovic (31) has been exposed in the Post-Divac/Webber Era as someone who can't make his teammates better or create his own shot, as well as someone who may or may not have a pulse …

I've seen some lambasting of Bibby before, but I cannot recall seeing anyone actually take a shot at Peja at the national level like this.

 

[AleksandarN]

yeah, this was a good article by Simmons. Most of what he says is quite accurate.

(HELL no I wouldnt do Bibby + Peja for Kobe.)

Are you crazy I would do that trade in a second. You never pass up on a superstar talent like Kobe. I would personally pack Pedja and Bibby's bag myself

 

[VF21]

If he's crazy, so am I because I wouldn't give Peja and Bibby to the Lakers under ANY circumstances, and especially not for Kobe Bryant - a player they know so well they could easily find ways to neutralize.

You trade Peja and Mike to the Lakers and you might as well just carve their names on the Larry O'Brien trophy for the next five years...at least.

 

[AleksandarN]

If he's crazy, so am I because I wouldn't give Peja and Bibby to the Lakers under ANY circumstances, and especially not for Kobe Bryant - a player they know so well they could easily find ways to neutralize.

You trade Peja and Mike to the Lakers and you might as well just carve their names on the Larry O'Brien trophy for the next five years...at least.

I see it the other way. If we have Kobe on our team we see Kobe name carved on the trophy for years to come. Kobe is the player we need on this team. Seeing him and Miller and bobby operate on our team would be beautiful

 

[VF21]

There are two members of the Kings that Phil Jackson has drooled about. You give him both of them at the same time AND remove the one player he has the most trouble controlling and he'll build a team that will run the triangle to perfection, put the excitement back in Laker basketball and find ways to win we could only dream of.

Kobe, Miller and Bobby (I'm assuming you'd want to start him at the PG) is not a dream come true. It's an unending nightmare just waiting to happen.

::shiver::

 

[AleksandarN]

Kobe, Miller and Bobby (I'm assuming you'd want to start him at the PG) is not a dream come true. It's an unending nightmare just waiting to happen.

::shiver::

To you it may not be a dream come true but to me it is a building block of a Championship team

 

[VF21]

So once again we disagree. That should come as a surprise to no one...

 

[AleksandarN]

So once again we disagree. That should come as a surprise to no one...

what I am shocked

 

[sloter]

By the way, Pedja can create his own shot, but it's usually a tougher shot and a lot less likely to go in. Just like if you hand the ball with 3 secs to go to any other player in the league except maybe Kobe or McGrady.

 

[Venom]

To you it may not be a dream come true but to me it is a building block of a Championship team

I agree, that trade is a no-brainer. I will s*** talk Kobe up and down while he is a Laker, but if he ever became a King I would sing his praises posthaste. Also, Kobe would have the revenge factor against the Lakers for the rest of his career. That would be sweet to watch.

 

[VF21]

And what about the revenge factor for Bibby and Peja? You really sure you want to see both of them in Laker gold?

Be very careful what you wish for...

 

[AleksandarN]

^^^I would hate to lose both Bibby and Pedja that is for sure but having Kobe here makes it worthwhile

 

[BobbyJ_for3!]

I see it the other way. If we have Kobe on our team we see Kobe name carved on the trophy for years to come. Kobe is the player we need on this team. Seeing him and Miller and bobby operate on our team would be beautiful

ya, since brad would have a say...since kobe has played with shaq he wouldnt pay much attention to "weak" miller, and bobby wouldnt get the touches he needs to be bobby. kobe is talented, but not worth it in the longhaul, esp with that contract....i mean, if it were reasonable and wanted by teams for good players (ex LeBron, Wade (lol), KG, Ray Allen) then ya sure, get kobe, and then trade him away.

Kobe-ball is selfish, not team orriented basketball, and that is NOT what I want to see in Sacramento. The fans deserve better. And thats assuming we'd be able to win the trophy, which we WOULDNT! Kobe is NOT a magic cure for any team. Or is he? Oh wait....the lakers of last year.

Yeah, I'm sorry but I deffinetly dont agree with trading for Kobe. He seems to me to be a cancer to a team, even if in a smaller kind of way.

Go Team Basketball. Go Kings!

 

[hrdboild]

There are two members of the Kings that Phil Jackson has drooled about. You give him both of them at the same time AND remove the one player he has the most trouble controlling and he'll build a team that will run the triangle to perfection, put the excitement back in Laker basketball and find ways to win we could only dream of.

Kobe, Miller and Bobby (I'm assuming you'd want to start him at the PG) is not a dream come true. It's an unending nightmare just waiting to happen.

::shiver::

Weren't you against Phil coming to Sacramento? You make it sound like a championship is inevitable if you get Phil, Bibby, and Peja together. If that's what you think, why would you be against Phil coaching the Kings?

 

[VF21]

Yes, I was against Phil Jackson coming to the Sacramento, but primarily I said he would never seriously consider us anyway, which turned out to be true.

Do not mistake my personal dislike for his public persona for a lack of respect for what the man is able to accomplish with the right pieces. Getting rid of a problem like Kobe and replacing him with two players that would fit perfectly into the triangle would be dangerous. Jackson is back in his element; Dr. Buss has pretty much said he'll do whatever it takes to make the Lakers contenders again; the Lakers NEVER stay down very long.

You do not want make it easier for them to get back to the top. They would gain a lot more than we would if Bibby and Peja both left in exchange for Kobe.

 

[Bricklayer]

Phil would have no use for Bibby and Peja. Indeed, odds are he could probably go further with just Kobe than with those two. They do nothing he asks his premiere players to do.

As for Kobe....really would not want that S.O.B. here, but from a franchise standpoint, you have a chance to get him for any two Kings, you just do it and ask questions later. Maybe 4 or 5 players like that in the league. If an opportunity presents, you just get them, and then figure out the rest later.

 

[bigbadred00]

Simmons is a Celtics homer. He has never praised the Kings for anything. He thought we were the 10th best team in the West this past year. I'll give that Bibby, Brad and Peja aren't the best players in the league with respect to age, and salary etc, but I think they are better than some of those listed. I'd put Bibby in the 25-30 bracket, Peja in a similar Bracket and Brad slightly lower. Al Jefferson is nice and all, but top 40 already. I guess so. I guess age has something to do with his ranking and his relatively low salary. Idk, Simmons and smart, thinking basketball news are almost an oxymoron. Guy doesn't know basketball at all.

 

[Venom]

Simmons is a Celtics homer. He has never praised the Kings for anything. He thought we were the 10th best team in the West this past year. I'll give that Bibby, Brad and Peja aren't the best players in the league with respect to age, and salary etc, but I think they are better than some of those listed. I'd put Bibby in the 25-30 bracket, Peja in a similar Bracket and Brad slightly lower. Al Jefferson is nice and all, but top 40 already. I guess so. I guess age has something to do with his ranking and his relatively low salary. Idk, Simmons and smart, thinking basketball news are almost an oxymoron. Guy doesn't know basketball at all.

It's not ranking, it's trade value. And, hand to God, Simmons is the best basketball analyst ESPN has. The guy is spot on. He's way better than Stephen Smith, and only Anthony challenges him for basketball knowledge. When he isn't trying to be funny, and sometimes even when he is, he delivers some razor sharp analysis.

 

[bigbadred00]

Are you serious? The best. I guess your right, even then Al Jefferson's trade value isnt that high. Let me go hunt his pre-season NBA rankings. The dude is no where near the best basketball analysis on ESPN. He might be the funniest, he isn't the smartest by any means.


http://proxy.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/041104

By Bill Simmons
Page 2


When I'm running ESPN some day, I plan on switching our announcers to different sports for November sweeps. Imagine Joe Theismann broadcasting NBA games, saying things like "You're not gonna last too long in the National Basketball Association by making passes like that" and "I want to tell you guys something, that turnover was caused by the defensive pressure of assistant coach Dick Harter, who's been doing an extra-ORDINARY job all game"? Comedy would ensue. Everyone would live happily ever after.




LOTTERY TEAMS



15. LA Clippers



14. Seattle



C-Webb may not have won a title, but he did get to date Tyra Banks.
10. Sacramento
Can't you see the "What's wrong with the Kings?" story in Sports Illustrated coming in about six weeks? The full-page picture of C-Webb screaming at a ref, along with the headline, "ROYAL PAINS" or "KINGS OF DYSFUNCTION"? These guys have just been together a little too long.


A quick recap: Peja has been demanding a trade since Vlade left. C-Webb missed 102 games over the past 3 seasons, can't jump anymore and still took the time to blast his teammates this summer. He's a delight. There isn't a more untradeable guy in the league. Also, the Bibby-Jackson leadership issue has never been entirely resolved. Doug Christie is still around, which means Mrs. Christie is still around. Rick Adelman's "Ultimate Adelman: The 25 Most Memorable Playoff Collapses of the Last 15 Years" is being released by NBA Entertainment this Friday. And if that's not enough, the Maloofs are bitching about a new arena.



You know what? I feel good about this one. That was easy.



(Where's the old guy and the blonde lady from "The Apprentice" when I need them?)



9. Houston




PLAYOFF TEAMS



8. Utah



7. Memphis



6. Denver



5. Phoenix
Any time you construct a free agent offer that's so insane, Mark Cuban studies it for a few minutes, then throws up his hands and says, "You know what, I can't match that thing" ... I mean, that's a pretty good sign you went overboard. Which is exactly what the Suns did by guaranteeing Steve Nash and his bad back $60 million. Crazy contract. Just crazy.



But you know what? They still ended up with one of the best point guards in the league. And yeah, maybe they overpaid for him. But that was the only way they were getting him. If you're spending $60 million on a $45 million luxury yacht, you may have overpaid, but you're still the owner of a $45 million yacht, right? That's what happened with the Suns. I watched them in person at the Staples Center last week, probably the happiest team I've seen in four years. And Nash was in the middle of everything. Suddenly Marion gets to do Marion things, and Johnson doesn't have to run the offense, and Stoudamire gets rewarded when he's running the floor, and Q gets his open looks ... everybody wins.



Of course, if Nash goes down, all bets are off. But this feels like a 50-win team to me. You will enjoy watching them. I promise.



(And by the way, if you haven't seen Yuta Tabuse in action, make sure you TiVo the next Suns blowout. I don't want to spoil it for you. Just imagine if you crossed Earl Boykins with a sushi chef, pumped caffeine into him and threw a uniform on him. Would you be interested to see what transpired? I thought so.)



4. Dallas
I'm not going to attempt to understand Mark Cuban, since this was the same man that just inflicted "The Benefactor" on us. But something doesn't add up from last summer ... and no, I'm not talking about how the Mavs failed to pursue Shaq, which only would have meant two or three titles. Whatever.



As described above, Cuban opted against matching the Nash contract, then made two cost-cutting deals -- dealing Jamison and Walker for Terry, Stackhouse, Henderson, the No. 5 pick and a lower payroll starting in 2006. I didn't like either trade. But when it happened, we all assumed that Cuban was tired of overpaying players, on the heels of the LaFrentz/Bradley/Eshemeyer signings, the Juwan Howard trade and everything else. Cubes was turning a new leaf. Being prudent.



So what happened? A month passed and Cuban was roped into $72 million for Erick Dampier, the quintessential example of a player who should only be paid on a year-by-year basis. Remember the caution with the Nash contract? Out the window. Maybe Cuban is bipolar. Maybe he has amnesia. I don't know. But how can you give away the heart and soul of your team over money, then immediately overpay a con artist like Dampier? How does that happen? And why would you keep overhauling a 50-win team year after year? Why would you think a rookie (Devin Harris) could replace Nash when there hasn't been a successful American rookie starter at that position since ... since ... Mark Jackson in 1988? I can't even remember.



So many unanswered questions. Why not pursue Shaq? Why bring Don Nelson back when he's fallen short so many times? Why stick three shoot-first guards (Terry, Daniels and Stackhouse) in your backcourt and think this isn't a problem? And why do I still think this team wins 50 games just because? Aarrrrrrrrrrrgh.



3. Los Angeles
Look, we got what we wanted: Shaq and Kobe have their own teams. Should have happened two years ago. Maybe we needed a rape charge, multiple backstabbings and a controversial police interview to grease the skids, but it did happen. So what if Kobe has been revealed as a calculating, petulant, manipulative loner with a dark side? So what if he threw Shaq under the bus? There isn't a better running subplot this season then Kobe running his own team. Sure, watching him go down in flames would be almost as fun as seeing Qyntel Woods getting jumped by a pit bull. But that's probably not happening.



The wheels should fall off the Lakers season right around the time of MLB's Opening Day.
Here's what WILL happen: Kobe springs for 33 a game. The first wave of "Wow, the Lakers are better than we thought" start popping up in mid-December, as people realize that Odom, Grant, Butler, Divac and even Chucky Atkins are quality supporting guys. You'll hear about how Kobe has taken on a much more active leadership role, and you'll see SportsCenter features showing Kobe slapping butts and rubbing heads in slow motion. By February, Kobe will make himself cry in an extended interview with Jim Gray, just to prove to everyone that he's capable of human emotions. By March, everyone will be saying, "Maybe Kobe WAS better off without Shaq." By April, the Lakers will be losing in the first round of the playoffs...


(Sound of a record screeching to a halt.)



2. Minnesota
Four random thoughts...



1. Every time I wonder if the NBA ran out of ways to amaze me, we get something like Spree's "I've got a family to feed" quote. Who's better than Spree? First he chokes his coach, then he buys a yacht, now this. What a run. I might have to retire his jersey in the Sports Guy Mansion.



2. With Troy Hudson and Wally Z healthy again, this should be a better team than last year's group. Emphasis on the word "should." You never know with Spree and Cassell and these contract extensions. Which reminds me, has there been an preseason where Sam Cassell didn't complain about his contract? It's almost like the NBA's version of the groundhog seeing his shadow. Yep, Sam's complaining about his contract again, I better schedule my roto draft.



3. Did they just give Eddie Griffin Gary Trent's old locker? Was it like a "Brooks Was Here" moment for him, like with Red at the end of Shawshank, only with collosal NBA head cases instead of aging ex-cons? I need to know these things.



4. You know what I like about KG? He won the MVP and nearly made the Finals, yet we barely heard a peep from him all summer ... except for when he inexplicably sucker-punched Rick Rickert in a summer workout, which was covered up in Minnesota faster than the Iran-Contra investigation. On the bright side, at least John Feinstein has a subject for his next book.



5. Just for the record, I didn't think Spree and Cassell could hold up for seven months and 100-110 games last season.



1. San Antonio
Michael Jordan, Jerry West, Oscar Robertson, Brent Barry, Clyde Drexler...



Sorry, I was just re-adjusting my Pantheon of 2-Guards after hearing the reactions to the Brent Barry signing this summer. I always remembered him as a fun guard and a solid complimentary player; apparently I was missing the modern-day Pete Maravich. Was it a good signing? Absolutely. But you can't tell me that a 32 year-old complimentary player with 13 career playoff games on his resume suddenly swung the balance in the West. As the Wolf said in "Pulp Fiction," let's not start (deleted) each other's (deleted) yet."



(Man, that quote NEVER works when it's heavily edited.)



Do I think the Spurs will win the West? Absolutely. But not because of Brent Barry. These guys should have won last year -- basically, it came down to Derek Fisher making an insane shot. If you're making a list of reasons why the Spurs will win the West this season, Duncan goes first. The Shaq trade goes second. Ginobili and Parker having an extra year of experience goes third. Team defense goes fourth. And the Brent Barry signing goes fifth. A distant fifth.



Finals prediction: Pistons over the Spurs in 6.

 

[bigbadred00]

Guy got the finals right, the best 2 teams, that's about it. Guy is funny, not accurate. Steven A sucks, but there are much better analysts on espn.

 

[Venom]

As far as a preseason guess, with analysis, those are all pretty good. Three of the teams you inserted his comments with had dramatic off-season changes (Lakers, Mavs, Suns). His ranking was off with them, but the analysis was pinpoint. And how many NBA analysts do a preseason guesstimation of the playoffs, with comments? Only The Sports Guy. . .it's why he is the best for the NBA die-hard.

 

[bigbadred00]

Guy is never close. Most analysts are close, I can go get a few. All I'm saying is the last 2 years he has severely underestimated the Kings as a team, he's done it for other teams as well. He has never given the Kings any credit, not that they deserve much. I go for Simmons if I want comedy, not substance. You know as well as I, he does all sports, is a Boston homer, and isn't that apt in any sport. He's funny, his insight isn't that great.

 

[Geoff]

He has some good insight at times. I wouldn't call him an NBA analyst; I'd more trust Marc Stein and Eric Neel for NBA talk than him; but I would call him at the very least a hardcore fan who knows what he's talking about.

Just because he isn't a Kings homer isn't enough to knock him. What did he say about the Kings that wasn't true?

 

[bigbadred00]

I don't care that he isn't a Kings homer, I wouldn't expect a Celtics fan to be one, but he doesn't give the team any credit, ever. As I've said before, I don't think we deserve a lot of credit, but he doesn't respect the team at all.

For god sakes, he picked the Lakers to win the division, the Lakers.....He's funny, but I'd rather get my basketball information from someone else. Comedy, Simmons is good, although not that good, he wasn't too effective with helping the Jimmy Kimmel show succeed. I guess he's a better writer than a talk-show writer.