Bricklayer
Don't Make Me Use The Bat
Nights like this are why I resent the Kings anymore -- a true waste of my time on a night when many people are out having fun, and I'm stuck watching this godawful excuse for "entertainment" out of some sense of duty. Yech. Ugly ugly ugly. But since I sat through it, might as well attempt grades.
In honor of the day/night, theme shall be Famous Redheads:
Artest ( B- ) -- this was...well, pretty much just the *shrug* Ron game. Just average. Got off to an aggressive start, but only sporadically effective. Made plays here and there,and then sometimes didn't make plays here and there. Was fairly consistent throughout the game. Did annoy me with an ugly flop against Tony Battie in the early going. Not you too Ron! But stepped up late to knock down a shot, and I think he might have been the assister on a Corliss hoop which helped seal the ugliness. The Magic never really found anybody to handle him, and were hurt when they lost Hedo to illness, but Ron never dominated as a result. He was just there -- the joke being that on this awful night of "if you don't love this, you don't love NBA basketball" just being there, showing up, looking like at least a pale version of himself, made him one of the best players on the floor.
ANGIE EVERHART -- You know, back in law school I had a little redheaded friend who I had a thing for....and she didn't look a damn thing like this (to be fair to Jen, she was a cute girl, but really now). In any case, since I kind of already burned up the Nicole Kidman card in the Pretty Girls theme, Angie has to move right up to the top of the list on Redheads night.
Reef ( C+ ) -- to tell you the truth I thought about going B- here until I settled on that for Ron's grade. Which may seem really out of line just looking at the box and saying 7pts 5rebs on 2-8pts = that's ****ty! Well...it was. And watching Reef attempt to score over the looming Howard was like watching that pot bellied middle age guy show up to the pickup courts and try to hit his "jump" hook over all kids half his age. In Reef's case it was watching him try to go over Howard and uh...no. So his counter move was to come back to airball a perimeter shot instead. Even got one of his completely innecessary Ts in the early going, and if I never see a team I am rooting for whine to the refs again it will be too soon. But that said, this was one of those games where all the criticisms the numbers would indicate were warranted, and yet I think the overall game was better than the sum of its parts, and during a critical stretch (if there was such a thing in this dreck) Reef stood in there against Howard repeatedly, and exposed the kid's still undeveloped post game and footwork when he's not allowed to get to the rim. With the Magic in full and complete offensive collapse, Howard's inability to simply overwhelm Reef and score easy ones inside was a major key to them coming up with a fugly 12pt third quarter.
IF YOU DON'T LOVE GRANT YOU...er...are normal -- And see, just to stave off any female complaints that I was trying to find a sneaky way to do another pretty girls thread, I dropped in a sex symbol for the ladies. Okay ladies, all at once now, I want you to picture Grant naked. There ya go, you can thank me later.
Miller ( B- ) -- oh hell, I don't know. B-? Sure, why not. Shot an ugly 2-10 and was nonexistent offensively, but grabbed 12 rebs, got a block, and wanted to play pretend big man for another night, so that's got to be worth something. In particular on a night when coming in you might have expected the Magic's big frontline to simply wipe our little flatfooted weenies out of the gym. But they largely did not show, and while its not like Brad was any kind of force, he was there, had some moments exposing Darko in particular, and ended up more or less matching Howard's numbers, which is about all you could ask going in. Now given that the reason he matched Dwight's numbers is because the kid sucked tonight, its still not worrth a GOOD grade, but its worth something. Held his own, and on our team we get that out of our frontcourt maybe 1 game in 5.
SECRETARIAT -- and as long as its not all going to be pretty girls, might as well go for somebody, or something, athletically worthy. Secretariat, nicknamed "Big Red", and arguably the greatest racehorse of all time. Not only won the Triple Crown, but did it in dramatic, devastating fashion, setting all time records in every race, running every 1/4 faster at the Kentucky Derby while outdueling a rival horse that itself would have set the track record if not for Secretariat, running by the competition like it was standing still in the Preakness while going from last to first in the space of 1/4 mile, and then capping it all with a legendary performance in the Belmont where he broke the spirit of his only serious competion around the final bend and poured it on down the stretch "moving like a tremendous machine" to win by an absolutely unheard of, before or since, 31 lengths. I actually got tears in my eyes the first time I saw a tape of his run at the Belmont, and I don't even typically watch horse racing. It was just such an impossibly dominant athletic performance, human or not -- like watching Wilt score 100 in condensed form or something -- and absolutely what you watch sport for (as opposed to FT filled suckfests). You knew you were watching true greatness. A shoddy youtube video of the Belmont
Martin ( C+ ) -- and grading this one is really unfair. Apparently set some sort of really dubious record by scoring 20pts on only one made FT. But it wasn't only that. Scored 20pts in weird fashion with only 1 made FG...but also along the way threw in a grand total of 2 rebs and 1 ast. So you've got this immense, almost silly number of 17-20 FTs, and then its just a statistical wasteland. Looked quick to start, but they just were not falling, and so took another approach. I remember the one assist too -- a pass to set up a Reef dunk to close the first half. So I dunno. It should be noted that while I am becoming increasingly restive about all the flopping going on with this team, and am not willing to stay quiet about it anymore, most of Kevin's 20 FTs this time out were earned in a game that was tightly called. So it wasn't as if he was flopping like a fish to get most of them -- most of the time he attacked and was legitiamtely bumped etc. and I think that makes me comfortable approaching this 20pt game not too much different than a normal one, and then starting to tic down normally for the lack of roundedness, crappy shooting etc. So...C+?
DANA SCULLY -- and see, while on the surface it may appear that I am slipping in another pretty girl, by referencing her character's name rather than the actress's name, I make it about pop culture rather than libido. Saavy eh? In any case, while not making babe lists the way Angie might, Scully was obviously a very famous redhead through the 90's, and yes, a pretty woman in her own right. Also a smart woman, which was a nice change from all the ditzy airheads.
In honor of the day/night, theme shall be Famous Redheads:
Artest ( B- ) -- this was...well, pretty much just the *shrug* Ron game. Just average. Got off to an aggressive start, but only sporadically effective. Made plays here and there,and then sometimes didn't make plays here and there. Was fairly consistent throughout the game. Did annoy me with an ugly flop against Tony Battie in the early going. Not you too Ron! But stepped up late to knock down a shot, and I think he might have been the assister on a Corliss hoop which helped seal the ugliness. The Magic never really found anybody to handle him, and were hurt when they lost Hedo to illness, but Ron never dominated as a result. He was just there -- the joke being that on this awful night of "if you don't love this, you don't love NBA basketball" just being there, showing up, looking like at least a pale version of himself, made him one of the best players on the floor.
ANGIE EVERHART -- You know, back in law school I had a little redheaded friend who I had a thing for....and she didn't look a damn thing like this (to be fair to Jen, she was a cute girl, but really now). In any case, since I kind of already burned up the Nicole Kidman card in the Pretty Girls theme, Angie has to move right up to the top of the list on Redheads night.
Reef ( C+ ) -- to tell you the truth I thought about going B- here until I settled on that for Ron's grade. Which may seem really out of line just looking at the box and saying 7pts 5rebs on 2-8pts = that's ****ty! Well...it was. And watching Reef attempt to score over the looming Howard was like watching that pot bellied middle age guy show up to the pickup courts and try to hit his "jump" hook over all kids half his age. In Reef's case it was watching him try to go over Howard and uh...no. So his counter move was to come back to airball a perimeter shot instead. Even got one of his completely innecessary Ts in the early going, and if I never see a team I am rooting for whine to the refs again it will be too soon. But that said, this was one of those games where all the criticisms the numbers would indicate were warranted, and yet I think the overall game was better than the sum of its parts, and during a critical stretch (if there was such a thing in this dreck) Reef stood in there against Howard repeatedly, and exposed the kid's still undeveloped post game and footwork when he's not allowed to get to the rim. With the Magic in full and complete offensive collapse, Howard's inability to simply overwhelm Reef and score easy ones inside was a major key to them coming up with a fugly 12pt third quarter.
IF YOU DON'T LOVE GRANT YOU...er...are normal -- And see, just to stave off any female complaints that I was trying to find a sneaky way to do another pretty girls thread, I dropped in a sex symbol for the ladies. Okay ladies, all at once now, I want you to picture Grant naked. There ya go, you can thank me later.
Miller ( B- ) -- oh hell, I don't know. B-? Sure, why not. Shot an ugly 2-10 and was nonexistent offensively, but grabbed 12 rebs, got a block, and wanted to play pretend big man for another night, so that's got to be worth something. In particular on a night when coming in you might have expected the Magic's big frontline to simply wipe our little flatfooted weenies out of the gym. But they largely did not show, and while its not like Brad was any kind of force, he was there, had some moments exposing Darko in particular, and ended up more or less matching Howard's numbers, which is about all you could ask going in. Now given that the reason he matched Dwight's numbers is because the kid sucked tonight, its still not worrth a GOOD grade, but its worth something. Held his own, and on our team we get that out of our frontcourt maybe 1 game in 5.
SECRETARIAT -- and as long as its not all going to be pretty girls, might as well go for somebody, or something, athletically worthy. Secretariat, nicknamed "Big Red", and arguably the greatest racehorse of all time. Not only won the Triple Crown, but did it in dramatic, devastating fashion, setting all time records in every race, running every 1/4 faster at the Kentucky Derby while outdueling a rival horse that itself would have set the track record if not for Secretariat, running by the competition like it was standing still in the Preakness while going from last to first in the space of 1/4 mile, and then capping it all with a legendary performance in the Belmont where he broke the spirit of his only serious competion around the final bend and poured it on down the stretch "moving like a tremendous machine" to win by an absolutely unheard of, before or since, 31 lengths. I actually got tears in my eyes the first time I saw a tape of his run at the Belmont, and I don't even typically watch horse racing. It was just such an impossibly dominant athletic performance, human or not -- like watching Wilt score 100 in condensed form or something -- and absolutely what you watch sport for (as opposed to FT filled suckfests). You knew you were watching true greatness. A shoddy youtube video of the Belmont
Martin ( C+ ) -- and grading this one is really unfair. Apparently set some sort of really dubious record by scoring 20pts on only one made FT. But it wasn't only that. Scored 20pts in weird fashion with only 1 made FG...but also along the way threw in a grand total of 2 rebs and 1 ast. So you've got this immense, almost silly number of 17-20 FTs, and then its just a statistical wasteland. Looked quick to start, but they just were not falling, and so took another approach. I remember the one assist too -- a pass to set up a Reef dunk to close the first half. So I dunno. It should be noted that while I am becoming increasingly restive about all the flopping going on with this team, and am not willing to stay quiet about it anymore, most of Kevin's 20 FTs this time out were earned in a game that was tightly called. So it wasn't as if he was flopping like a fish to get most of them -- most of the time he attacked and was legitiamtely bumped etc. and I think that makes me comfortable approaching this 20pt game not too much different than a normal one, and then starting to tic down normally for the lack of roundedness, crappy shooting etc. So...C+?
DANA SCULLY -- and see, while on the surface it may appear that I am slipping in another pretty girl, by referencing her character's name rather than the actress's name, I make it about pop culture rather than libido. Saavy eh? In any case, while not making babe lists the way Angie might, Scully was obviously a very famous redhead through the 90's, and yes, a pretty woman in her own right. Also a smart woman, which was a nice change from all the ditzy airheads.
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How disgusting!
!!!
