Just for fun: The Book of Sherman

[VF21]

Usually, we scream at the TV with pleas for our team to do the right things. But as we close in on a top lottery pick - and get ready to say farewell to half the team - there are things that are usually forbidden that will, somewhat amazingly, actually help our cause.

So, in the spirit of gallows humor, I'm starting The Book of Sherman, including guidelines for what the expiring contracts can feel free to do. Feel free to add your own, but please keep in mind this is meant to be light-hearted and not mean or spiteful...

1. If you see a shot, take a shot.

2. Passing isn't necessary. If you get your hands on the ball, it's YOURS.

Note: Gallows humor means things that might be funny if they aren't so grim...It is often the result of traumatic, stressful, traumatic, or life-threatening situations.

 

[6th]

3. If you want to grumble a bit in the locker room, feel free. No one is listening.

 

[6th]

4. If you want to find popcorn in your car, see Bobby. He's your man.

 

[VF21]

5. Remember the lesson of Allen Iverson: Practice isn't what matters.

 

[Aenadin]

6. saying "ive got a family to feeD" doesnt always merit a big contract

 

[6th]

6. saying "ive got a family to feeD" doesnt always merit a big contract

 

[kingsnation]

7. Hey, 2010 has Lebron. 2009 has you.

 

[Aenadin]

8. Always feed your dogs.. right ron ron

 

[Kingsroots]

9. If you are at a party and someone passes you a bong look around first before you take a hit to make sure no one is going to take a picture... Or just wait until California passes AB390! (knock on wood)

 

[VF21]

Um folks? Please take a minute and read the first post. Some of you have totally missed the premise. It's not about legitimate tips to help players get better...or be smarter about their personal lives.

 

[vikinginferno]

10. If you are even slightly tired, just run off the court.

 

[Aenadin]

11. never ride a motorcycle when you dont know where the brakes are after signing a 50 mil deal and saying you "broke" your ankle

12. Assists is just an A$$ with an ist.. so dont do it

 

[HighFlyingMonkey]

13. The most effective move to the basket is the Crab Dribble™

 

[VF21]

11. never ride a motorcycle when you dont know where the brakes are after signing a 50 mil deal and saying you "broke" your ankle

12. Assists is just an A$$ with an ist.. so dont do it

Okay, now THAT's what I'm talking about.

 

[vikinginferno]

14. We all hate each other during this horrid season, so there is no point in having communication on the court.

 

[TTown Kings]

15. Always remember, playing defense is for losers. Rarely do championship teams play great D.

 

[6th]

16. If you are looking for a good contract, try strangling the coach.

 

[Widowmaker2k]

17. The best defense is a good offense: Play offense early and often, and don't let too much defensive effort get you down.

18. Time flies when you're having fun: Don't watch the clock or worry about doing those little things that get in the way of your style, no matter what the coach has to say.

19. Repeat this mantra: "The refs are out to get me, the refs are out to get me, the refs are out to get me." Keep in mind, if you disagree with a call, you are well within your right to do whatever you feel is necessary to make your case to the officials.

20. Defensive rebounds are optional. The minute the other team takes a shot, run as fast as you can down the court to cherry-pick a few style points with a big dunk. Extra points if you happen to be a center or power forward.

 

[Aenadin]

21. 3 beats two any day... so keep chucking em!!!

22. Centers need to shoot threes! hey shaq if you lob a 3 point shot NO BODY WILL expect you to make it... HEAR THAT NO BODY WILL GUARD YOU!!! TAKE IT!!!!

23. you dont need a passport to TRAVEL

24. if the only thing you can dunk is an oreo in a glass of milk please dont try to dunk.... it just gives us something to laugh at in youtube

25. If you try to steal.. dont just go for the ball... go for the mans wallet!!!

 

[Lupin]

26. Don't ever look at the mathematical stats such as assist to turn over ratio. Math is overrated. Look at Shaq, he's terrible at math. He's missed so many free throws in his life he can only count by twos.



I'm not sure if I'm doing this right... oh well, I tried.

 

[jalfa]

27. In this day and age, youtube highlights are the most exciting part about basketball. Since you are incapable of producing them (especially as the opposing team will try and succeed in stopping you), make sure that the other team will have their share.

 

[Aenadin]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kj6h8TF58U

28. there are rules like kick ball...reach in foul.. and blocking foul.. but there is no such thing as a kicking foul.. Do Mr. Miyagi Proud Daniel-San!

29. DUring home games... you dont go and "make your selves at home" with your opposing team

 

[Spike]

30. Basketball is an international sport. Make up a language of your own, and use it to communicate with your teammates during the game. They'll appreciate the opportunity to learn a new language on the fly.

31. Coaches and teammates appreciate humor. Tie their shoelaces together when they aren't paying attention.

 

[Jespher]

32. Basketball and golf are both sports. Try to get the lowest score possible. A 70 point game is good, but if you can finish in the 60s then you're doing your job.

33. Cheerleaders are your main form of moral support. Look to them for guidance and leadership.

34. Remember, this isn't football, and there are no penalties for being offsides. Feel free to play on any part of the court regardless of where the ball is. If you stay in the back court on defense, that means you're open. If you stay in the back court for offense you can get rest while the rest of those chumps wear themselves out on offense.

35. Running is for track and field. Swim whenever possible.

 

[Emma]

36. Whenever possible, move both of your legs at once while dribbling the ball to conserve time while moving.

37. Dribble the ball twice in one pass or carry it in your palm. Such things make the next dribble unnecessary.

 

[fnordius]

38. When your numbers are down, relax! Mikki never got anything done, and he might get a ring now. You could be next.

 

[kennadog]

39. We want you to pass the ball. It's not important whether there's actually one of your teammates there to receive the pass.

40. Don't get between your opponent and a rebound. It's rude to cut in line.

 

[Oscar]

41. Don't get hurt snowboarding during the season and then lie about it afterwards.

 

[DocHolliday]

42. If the coach calls for a substitution for you, but you want to stay in the game, you don't really have to listen to him. I'm sure the coach will completely understand and reward your competitive spirit and furver.

 

[Warhawk]

43. Bouncing the ball off the backboard to increase your rebounds per game is advised, as it does not take away rebound nubers from your teammates. If done correctly and (miracle of miracles) you make the subsequent basket, maybe they will also award an assist on the play.