Island of Pain and Misery Draft --- draft completed
- Thread starter SLAB
- Start date
This draft has slowly been morphing from a "things you can't personally stand" draft into a "things that would pretty much universally suck" type of thing, but I am going to bring it back to its roots a bit with this pick. I'm not going to get an exotic disease or have my limbs chopped off or be trapped inside a small box wiht a magical creature or anything. I am simply going to have to sit around on my island, with my throbbing toothache, dodging giant hornets, and having to listen to my companion for all eternity:
Rush Limbaugh
NOTE: I held off on making this my second pick because I was concerned about board rules, but after thinking about it decided I could slip it through on these grounds -- despite what he may think Rush has never actually been elected to anything and so I am taking him simply as a hypocritical loudmouthed blowhard, and we will leave the politics out of it.
NOTE 2: I will also assume for the sake of the integrity of the draft concept that I am not going to be allowed to simply smash this jackass over the head with a heavy blunt object by Day 2.
Rush Limbaugh
NOTE: I held off on making this my second pick because I was concerned about board rules, but after thinking about it decided I could slip it through on these grounds -- despite what he may think Rush has never actually been elected to anything and so I am taking him simply as a hypocritical loudmouthed blowhard, and we will leave the politics out of it.
NOTE 2: I will also assume for the sake of the integrity of the draft concept that I am not going to be allowed to simply smash this jackass over the head with a heavy blunt object by Day 2.
I was about to go to bed for the night, when I saw Nobonus had made his pick and that Brick was still online, so instead, I spent the last 20 or so minutes researching my pick. Most definitely nothing you'd ever want to do, especially not this late.
So, after blissfully eating my first Balut and discovering that I was all of a sudden suffering from Crohn's Disease, the first course of action was of course to turn to the medical facilities of the island. On the one hand they exist, which is great, on the other hand the particular gentleman in control of these facilities turns out to be Josef Mengele, which isn't.
History has provided us with many a physician, whose ideas pertaining the advancement of medicine would make your average medieval torturer vomit. None of these guys was as infamous as Mengele. There are whole websites dedicated to his methods of research, when he was at Auschwitz and I won't bother recounting them here. All that you need to know is: That man was an utter sicko that delighted in torturing people and he'll be the one responsible for my well-being, with the only demand on him being that I should stay alive (since I'd be his only vict...patient).
This, of course, is another "things that would universally suck" pick, but it's also on somewhat of a personal level for me, as the doctor has always had a special place in my heart, for demonstrating the absolute abyss of what human beings are capable of doing to other human beings. A feeling only exacerbated by the fact that the bastard was never caught.
So, after blissfully eating my first Balut and discovering that I was all of a sudden suffering from Crohn's Disease, the first course of action was of course to turn to the medical facilities of the island. On the one hand they exist, which is great, on the other hand the particular gentleman in control of these facilities turns out to be Josef Mengele, which isn't.
History has provided us with many a physician, whose ideas pertaining the advancement of medicine would make your average medieval torturer vomit. None of these guys was as infamous as Mengele. There are whole websites dedicated to his methods of research, when he was at Auschwitz and I won't bother recounting them here. All that you need to know is: That man was an utter sicko that delighted in torturing people and he'll be the one responsible for my well-being, with the only demand on him being that I should stay alive (since I'd be his only vict...patient).
This, of course, is another "things that would universally suck" pick, but it's also on somewhat of a personal level for me, as the doctor has always had a special place in my heart, for demonstrating the absolute abyss of what human beings are capable of doing to other human beings. A feeling only exacerbated by the fact that the bastard was never caught.
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With the nest pick in my pain draft, I select something that goes hand-in-hand with my good thing draft...I select,
An extreme desert state.
During the day it is burning hot. The temperatures are reaching a sweltering 110 degrees. A dusty unrelenting heater-esq wind is always blowing sand into my face.
During the night, the temperature plummets to very cold lows...
...If you've tried sleeping in the cold with no blanket, you know how bad it sucks.
And ontop of that!!!
There may be a random rainstorm every now and again...But when those rains hit I can't worry about nabbing a drink, oh no, I have to worry about the flash flood rushing towards me at any second~! I say no to drowning!
Anyways...
So let's review...
During the Day: Have to somehow avoid the sun to prevent heat stroke.
During the Night: Cold weather makes it near impossible to get sleep.
Random Flash Floods: I might drown.
Combine that with Maggot Cheese and Kobe Bryant???
Yes...
Fun indeed.
An extreme desert state.
During the day it is burning hot. The temperatures are reaching a sweltering 110 degrees. A dusty unrelenting heater-esq wind is always blowing sand into my face.
During the night, the temperature plummets to very cold lows...
...If you've tried sleeping in the cold with no blanket, you know how bad it sucks.
And ontop of that!!!
There may be a random rainstorm every now and again...But when those rains hit I can't worry about nabbing a drink, oh no, I have to worry about the flash flood rushing towards me at any second~! I say no to drowning!
Anyways...
So let's review...
During the Day: Have to somehow avoid the sun to prevent heat stroke.
During the Night: Cold weather makes it near impossible to get sleep.
Random Flash Floods: I might drown.
Combine that with Maggot Cheese and Kobe Bryant???
Yes...
Fun indeed.
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My next pick:
Blizzard/Snowstorm/Ice/Frostbite
Frostbite -
I hope this can all count as one pick, I personally think they should because they all go hand in hand .. an Island covered in Ice and Snow will lead to Frostbite ( due to the fact that I havent drafted shelter or clothes ) I cant think of a worse setting for an island of misery.
Blizzard/Snowstorm/Ice/Frostbite
Frostbite -
I hope this can all count as one pick, I personally think they should because they all go hand in hand .. an Island covered in Ice and Snow will lead to Frostbite ( due to the fact that I havent drafted shelter or clothes ) I cant think of a worse setting for an island of misery.
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Never Ending 8mm Kidney Stones.
Aaargh I'm hurting just thinking about it. I've never had Kidney stones, but I can just imagine it. For those of you who don't know what it is, it is basically pissing out a rock. OUCH. People have described it to me as the most excruciating pain they have ever been in. And the worst part for me on this Island is it never stops. Every time nature calls I have to pass one of these bad boys. Can you say ouch.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kidney_stones
Aaargh I'm hurting just thinking about it. I've never had Kidney stones, but I can just imagine it. For those of you who don't know what it is, it is basically pissing out a rock. OUCH. People have described it to me as the most excruciating pain they have ever been in. And the worst part for me on this Island is it never stops. Every time nature calls I have to pass one of these bad boys. Can you say ouch.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kidney_stones
Remember my tiny island well taking up all the space on my Island is a small persoonal suana of which the door is locked so I can't get out of. I have to spend every single second of the rest of my life in a suana. I will be sweaty 24/7, Sooner or later it will get harder to breath, and It's very very hot all the time.
Alright, I was going to draft something, but im not sure its legal so I guess I'll wait and see if someone else drafts something like it .. so I guess i'll go ahead and get my drink out of the way.
My drink of all drinks will be :
Yup, Human Urine
Either Gilbert Gottfrieds or my own? ew.
My drink of all drinks will be :
Yup, Human Urine
Either Gilbert Gottfrieds or my own? ew.
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Never Ending 8mm Kidney Stones.
Aaargh I'm hurting just thinking about it. I've never had Kidney stones, but I can just imagine it. For those of you who don't know what it is, it is basically pissing out a rock. OUCH. People have described it to me as the most excruciating pain they have ever been in. And the worst part for me on this Island is it never stops. Every time nature calls I have to pass one of these bad boys. Can you say ouch.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kidney_stones
Aaargh I'm hurting just thinking about it. I've never had Kidney stones, but I can just imagine it. For those of you who don't know what it is, it is basically pissing out a rock. OUCH. People have described it to me as the most excruciating pain they have ever been in. And the worst part for me on this Island is it never stops. Every time nature calls I have to pass one of these bad boys. Can you say ouch.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kidney_stones
I went a few ways with this one...In the end I select.
Millions and millions and millions of the Bullet Ant.
This ant is quite different than the earlier Siafu. The Siafu are quite dangerous, but these ants are something else.
It is said that getting stung by one of these little beasts is like getting shot with a bullet
According the Schmidt's Pain Index it is the most pain that can be caused by an insect, and Mr. Schmidt describes said sting as...
So we have Kobe, maggot cheese, in a desert SWARMING with the Bullent Ant.
Yay?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bullet_ant
Millions and millions and millions of the Bullet Ant.
This ant is quite different than the earlier Siafu. The Siafu are quite dangerous, but these ants are something else.
It is said that getting stung by one of these little beasts is like getting shot with a bullet
According the Schmidt's Pain Index it is the most pain that can be caused by an insect, and Mr. Schmidt describes said sting as...
So we have Kobe, maggot cheese, in a desert SWARMING with the Bullent Ant.
Yay?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bullet_ant
Remember my tiny island well taking up all the space on my Island is a small persoonal suana of which the door is locked so I can't get out of. I have to spend every single second of the rest of my life in a suana. I will be sweaty 24/7, Sooner or later it will get harder to breath, and It's very very hot all the time.
Okay, this took longer than expected. Had decided on one pick and already done a write-up, but then I decided that it was utter nonsense and discarded everything and was then interrupted whilst writing...urghh... Anyway, what I wanted to do was decide upon the island itself and I will still do so. Thus, with my fourth pick, I select the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
So, whenever plastic, i.e. non-biodegradeable, waste is dumped into the Pacific, or whenever wind catches lighter waste from a landfill and brings it into the Pacific, it all ends up in one and the same place. This is due to the North Pacific Gyre and the area it covers is somewhere between the size of Texas and twice the size of Texas.
So, this is where I will spend, somewhere that looks very much like some post-apocalyptic distopia, among the rotten corpses of the animals that tried to eat any of it (or eat any of the fish that ate some of the plastic).
So, whenever plastic, i.e. non-biodegradeable, waste is dumped into the Pacific, or whenever wind catches lighter waste from a landfill and brings it into the Pacific, it all ends up in one and the same place. This is due to the North Pacific Gyre and the area it covers is somewhere between the size of Texas and twice the size of Texas.
So, this is where I will spend, somewhere that looks very much like some post-apocalyptic distopia, among the rotten corpses of the animals that tried to eat any of it (or eat any of the fish that ate some of the plastic).
Stubbornly sticking with the personal rather than the things that generally suck, I needed a babe for my island -- every island has to have a babe to keep you company, right? So I select:
Roseanne Barr
To team with Rush to complete my loudmouthed braying duo of toothace doom. How this obnoxious screeching mess had millions of dedicated viewers at one time I will never, NEVER understand. That's not funny. Its aggravating. And of course since her name teamed with the word naked (as in Roseanne Barr naked) is widely considered a foolproof mood breaker by the abstinence crowd, Roseanne will of course arrive on the island sans any clothing.
Roseanne Barr
To team with Rush to complete my loudmouthed braying duo of toothace doom. How this obnoxious screeching mess had millions of dedicated viewers at one time I will never, NEVER understand. That's not funny. Its aggravating. And of course since her name teamed with the word naked (as in Roseanne Barr naked) is widely considered a foolproof mood breaker by the abstinence crowd, Roseanne will of course arrive on the island sans any clothing.
Trying to imagine my island worse than it is already... nothing to see or do, no protection; just overweight, elderly nudists and a medical facility good enough to keep me alive long term, but with no comfort or modern tools... there is one thing that can make my island much worse: Unlimited Methamphetamine AKA Meth available for all island inhabitants
Tweakers and I have a long history of conflict... all of the fights I have been in have been with tweakers... I hate tweakers and I hate meth.
Tweakers and I have a long history of conflict... all of the fights I have been in have been with tweakers... I hate tweakers and I hate meth.
Stubbornly sticking with the personal rather than the things that generally suck, I needed a babe for my island -- every island has to have a babe to keep you company, right? So I select:
Roseanne Barr
To team with Rush to complete my loudmouthed braying duo of toothace doom. How this obnoxious screeching mess had millions of dedicated viewers at one time I will never, NEVER understand. That's not funny. Its aggravating. And of course since her name teamed with the word naked (as in Roseanne Barr naked) is widely considered a foolproof mood breaker by the abstinence crowd, Roseanne will of course arrive on the island sans any clothing.
Roseanne Barr
To team with Rush to complete my loudmouthed braying duo of toothace doom. How this obnoxious screeching mess had millions of dedicated viewers at one time I will never, NEVER understand. That's not funny. Its aggravating. And of course since her name teamed with the word naked (as in Roseanne Barr naked) is widely considered a foolproof mood breaker by the abstinence crowd, Roseanne will of course arrive on the island sans any clothing.
. Please don't make her laughSo my list has taken a beating from the last round. I don't want to steal NoBonus's thunder, as my pick is fairly close to his, but this unfortunately was my next pick. I mentioned that I'm held prisoner in a 4'x4'x4' steel subterranean box with a river of raw sewage flowing through the floor and kept prisoner by a vicious monstrosity. However, before I was imprisoned Cthulhu and his minions did some "surgery". For my 4th pick I select:
Randomly Triggered Psychedelic Crises along with Painful Seizures/Spasms/Involuntary Muscle Contractions
(Terrifying Bad LSD Trip + Electric Shocks)
During this "surgery", I was injected with a cocktail of narcotics and highly addictive hallucination causing agents. Unfortunately, I was also equipped with several electrodes in my nervous system (primarily in my brain) and a chemical pump (filled with the hallucinogenic agent) that are triggered randomly by Cthulhu at his leisure several times each day.
Stimulation of these causes intense pain, seizures, muscle spasm and contracture/cramping, temporary amnesia, vivid hallucinations, and terrifying LSDesque flashbacks. Unfortunately I also have an allergic reaction to this drug which causes me to have a psychedelic crisis (or "bad trip") every time these pumps or electrodes are activated.
Psychedelic Crisis:
More: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bad_trip
Randomly Triggered Psychedelic Crises along with Painful Seizures/Spasms/Involuntary Muscle Contractions
(Terrifying Bad LSD Trip + Electric Shocks)
During this "surgery", I was injected with a cocktail of narcotics and highly addictive hallucination causing agents. Unfortunately, I was also equipped with several electrodes in my nervous system (primarily in my brain) and a chemical pump (filled with the hallucinogenic agent) that are triggered randomly by Cthulhu at his leisure several times each day.
Stimulation of these causes intense pain, seizures, muscle spasm and contracture/cramping, temporary amnesia, vivid hallucinations, and terrifying LSDesque flashbacks. Unfortunately I also have an allergic reaction to this drug which causes me to have a psychedelic crisis (or "bad trip") every time these pumps or electrodes are activated.
Psychedelic Crisis:
A multitude of reactions can occur during a psychedelic crisis. Some users can experience many general senses of fear. Some users may be catapulted into an anxiety attack, a disabling reaction in which one is overcome with extreme fright. A user may be overwhelmed with the disconnection many psychedelics cause, and fear that they are going insane or will never return to reality. This can cause the user to fall into a profound depression. Other reactions include an amplification of nameless fears; that is, fears that are unfounded and are usually not encountered in normality.
Users may exhibit actions suggesting harm to themselves or others around them. This harm could take the form of suicidal ideation, or full blown suicide attempts. Because of the magnification of emotions many psychedelics cause, death or thoughts of death can cause intensely adverse reactions in some users. Users can believe that their death is imminent or that the very universe itself is collapsing. Rapidly accelerated aging of other people may be experienced, irritating the aforementioned fears even more.
Some users may experience disorientation. The normal views of time, space, and person can be substantially altered, causing fear. Some can worsen their condition by trying to fight the psychedelic experience after embarkment. There can be illusions of insects crawling over or into one's self, or of being in dirty places such as sewers.
Users may exhibit actions suggesting harm to themselves or others around them. This harm could take the form of suicidal ideation, or full blown suicide attempts. Because of the magnification of emotions many psychedelics cause, death or thoughts of death can cause intensely adverse reactions in some users. Users can believe that their death is imminent or that the very universe itself is collapsing. Rapidly accelerated aging of other people may be experienced, irritating the aforementioned fears even more.
Some users may experience disorientation. The normal views of time, space, and person can be substantially altered, causing fear. Some can worsen their condition by trying to fight the psychedelic experience after embarkment. There can be illusions of insects crawling over or into one's self, or of being in dirty places such as sewers.
More: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bad_trip
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Back to me, and I think I have a winner here.
You want misery? Get isolated on an island with this guy the rest of your life. I select:
Jar-Jar Binks.
Not only is he annoying as heck, he is a perfect example of how one of my favorite movie series got screwed up. No further explanation needed, I think.
And, for the purposes of my island, he's wearing a Kobe jersey.
You want misery? Get isolated on an island with this guy the rest of your life. I select:
Jar-Jar Binks.
Not only is he annoying as heck, he is a perfect example of how one of my favorite movie series got screwed up. No further explanation needed, I think.
And, for the purposes of my island, he's wearing a Kobe jersey.
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