Monty'sBiggestFan
Starter
I was asked (or to use the word actually tossed at me "challenged 
) to share the results of my deep (over)analysis based on the likely outcomes of each week's NFL games factoring solely the mascot matchups. I don't quite have everything color coded or properly charted, but by week 17 I should be a well oiled IBM... But here's how my calculations shook down for week 1. And like any good student, I have shown my work... If you're struggling with a pick this week, hope this helps 
Thursday, Sep. 6
New Orleans at Indianapolis - Saints and Colts? Hard to pick against a team that can summon divine intervention at any moment., but it’s tempting. Colts, fine young animals they are. And if anyone doubted their sturdiness one need look no further than their holding up just fine in the torrential downpour in Miami a few months ago. So don't be dissuaded by their youth...they’re indoors and each player for Indy carries spare shoes on their helmet - so they are ready for anything these Saints can toss at them. And last time I checked, horseshoes in and of themselves are lucky in a cosmic sort of way – and all those U’s concentrated in one place I think will be just too hard to overcome. COLTS
Sunday, Sep. 9
Atlanta at Minnesota – Falcons and Vikings? Falcons are some baaaaaaad birds man, tho Vikings can get testy too. But I mean c'mon...have you seen the lil helmets they have to put on these birds so'z they don't go nutso on the people handling them? Hitchcockian logic tends to make me look at it this way…a flock of mad birds can make a whole town cower inside a house. But if your indoors is a big ol’ ship AND you’ve got helmets AND shields (all of which oddly seemed to be in short supply in Bodega Bay as I recall) ya gotsta go with the Norse here. VIKINGS
Carolina at St. Louis - Panthers and Rams? Mismatch on paper huh? I mean… seriously. But games ain’t played on paper baby! This could depend on whether or not the ram has been sheared pre-game or not - that’s a secondary algorithm I’m using for future weeks. Panthers , tho, are always sleek. Furthermore black, in addition to making one look thinner, makes one look fast. and I’ll admit to being swayed here on that point. I know sheepdogs trump sheep, but does a panther really know what to do when confronted with a stubborn sheep….on turf (-like synthetic material) no less? RAMS
Denver at Buffalo Broncos and Bills? It’s confusing: is it the wild west guy or the animal? Because I sure don’t think I’ve seen many buffalos in NY – in the one time I drove near an exit heading towards Buffalo, NY. For the sake of analysis let’s go animal against animal. Broncos can run fast and jump higher. Terrain doesn’t factor in here because I don’t think this horse is afraid of anything. If this game was being played in Cody, WY? HUGE advantage to the Buffaloes..I mean Bills...(see? Confusing!) Although, being closer to sea level could be a disadvantage since mile highness helps with some thing or another – I’m sure. I still say horse. BRONCOS
Kansas City at Houston - Chiefs and Texans? This one walked off the sets of spaghetti westerns now didn’t it? I flipped a coin since spaghetti westerns usually didn’t favor one side over the other and Chiefs and (Sam) Houston historically seemed to want to try to get along. Shoot, talk about a pick’um…CHIEFS
Miami at Washington - Dolphins and Redskins?. Water mammal or land mammal. There are several variables to work with and I had to settle on which were going to most likely to factor into the outcome of this meeting. I gave the land mammal a horse to ride since dolphins, from what I’ve learned watching Flipper, can swim hecka fast so I wanted to even up the speed co-efficient in the formula. But unless the game was going to be played in Atlantis, the hecka fastness the dolphin has is somewhat mitigated by the grass (like A LOT somewhat). So horse or no horse, land mammal should romp. REDSKINS
New England at N.Y. Jets - Patriots and Jets? Dudes with muskets against an air armada? C’mon…talk about anachronistic lopsidedness. But cool your eh…jets there for a minute. I think the tax loving King George thought the same thing…’cept with boats. Three Words…Boston Tea Party. PATRIOTS.
Philadelphia at Green Bay - Eagles and Packers? Had to consult the ol’ dictionary (or the closest thing to it, the Internet) to figure out in historic football parlance what the heck a “Packer” is. Calculus needs variables solved for so goshdarnit I’m resolving mine RIGHT now (weekly) . “A packer is someone who works at a packing house, an establishment for slaughtering, processing and packing livestock into meat, meat products and byproducts. Ahhhhhh…feel me tipping the scale in one direction after THAT nugget? But slow down tho…birds aren’t livestock and offing eagles is still illegal I believe. EAGLES
Pittsburgh at Cleveland - Steelers and Browns? UPS commercials are stuck in my head and I’m trying to answer “What Brown Can Do For Me” (thank you Madison Avenue!) but people who can mold hot molten ingredients probably can do more than Browns can for me right about now. At least that’s how I’m feeling this week. STEELERS
Tennessee at Jacksonville – Titans and Jaguars? WOOO. Did the Titans face jaguars back in the day? I have no scouting reports to work from here, so forgive me for flying blind on this. I know they clashed with somebody. I remember Harry Hamlin with an owl and some snakes factoring in there somewhere and that’s about it, so I’m pocketing that knowledge for when the Titans face a bird or a medusa. JAGUARS
Chicago at San Diego - Bears and Chargers? WOW. This is interesting and has me reworking the early stages of a energy/animal or human matchup formula. Those electronic invisible fence thingees? People tell me they work to keep animals fenced in. Bears can find food and stuff you didn’t even know you had in some small compartment of your car. And a little zap might not deter them from getting the snickers bar you didn’t know was wedged between the back seat cushions. You have to put stuff up high for them not to be able to reach it (edge to anybody Mile High or who otherwise take flight in the final version of this formula.) BEARS
Detroit at Oakland - Lions and Raiders? Pirates wielding a Black Hole? Normally I side with animals I wouldn’t want to face in a dark alley (or a lit one…or anywhere but between strong plexiglass or bars, despite the deceptive cuteness factor). But Pirates? And did I mention the Black Holes they wield? I watched a program on Black Holes on the History Channel the other day (which instantly makes me somewhat of an expert for purposes of mascotum mechanics) and the expected survival rate upon entering a Black Hole is either a faction of a second or an finite amount of time after which you I believe are torn to bits. Yikes…RAIDERS
Tampa Bay at Seattle - Buccaneers and Seahawks? My gut reaction earlier in this thread was that the Seahawk would have trouble with anybody. I’ve taken that back. I felt initially that the Bucs with their ship fully equipped with cannon, could do the bird in. But Seahawks have been around the block a few times. Well, I actually take THAT back too. There is no such thing as a seahawk as I have quickly learned (thank you Al Gore for your wonderful invention). Birdologists (or ornithologists if you want me to spell things right) suggest that one of the many birds a “seahawk” could be is a Skua which is “ an ill-tempered seabird that employees piracy to filch food from other birds.” Ahhh that changes the equation NOW doesn’t it? We’re now essentially pirate on pirate. So I’m taking the home winged ill-tempered pirate in its natural habitat. Going around the isthmus may take a bit out of the east coast pirates. SKUA eh..SEAHAWKS.
N.Y. Giants at Dallas – Giants and Cowboys? Tall dudes and guys on horseback. Hmmm. I had to break this down to its basic simpleness. Tall dudes have no weapons, and onliest tall dude I know about mixing it up with people less heighted than himself was Goliath and we know how that game ended. So much for home field advantange. Well these Giants are on the road anyway, but it won’t matter. Cowboys with guns trump boy with slingshot. Boy with slingshot trumps giants. (and my parents said my degree in Philosophy wouldn’t come in handy) So by the power of simple deduction (or BCS-like permutations) COWBOYS.
Monday, Sep. 10
Baltimore at Cincinnati - Ravens and Bengals? Maybe its my love of Tigger, or maybe it’s the power and majesty that is a Bengal tiger. But I’ was about as close as locking this down in the tiger column as one can get. Poeism suggests however that ravens have the power to grab one’s rapt (or rapped?) attention and one will need one’s opponent’s attention raptly grabbed(…gently) if one’s opponent outweighs one by a few hundred pounds. Once upon a Monday dreary…RAVENS
Arizona at San Francisco – Cardinals and 49ers? See? I’m still feeling the idea that a mascot who in addition to mining for gold has at his/her disposal some kick$$$ sourdough to work with as well. Any time it matches up with a bird, the bird instinctually is distracted. I don’t know what exactly Cardinals eat, but they ain’t gonna pass up San Francisco sourdough regardless of whatever it is they naturally eat . Carnivores and herbivores maybe can, but crumbivores ? No way! 49ERS.
) to share the results of my deep (over)analysis based on the likely outcomes of each week's NFL games factoring solely the mascot matchups. I don't quite have everything color coded or properly charted, but by week 17 I should be a well oiled IBM... But here's how my calculations shook down for week 1. And like any good student, I have shown my work... If you're struggling with a pick this week, hope this helps Thursday, Sep. 6
New Orleans at Indianapolis - Saints and Colts? Hard to pick against a team that can summon divine intervention at any moment., but it’s tempting. Colts, fine young animals they are. And if anyone doubted their sturdiness one need look no further than their holding up just fine in the torrential downpour in Miami a few months ago. So don't be dissuaded by their youth...they’re indoors and each player for Indy carries spare shoes on their helmet - so they are ready for anything these Saints can toss at them. And last time I checked, horseshoes in and of themselves are lucky in a cosmic sort of way – and all those U’s concentrated in one place I think will be just too hard to overcome. COLTS
Sunday, Sep. 9
Atlanta at Minnesota – Falcons and Vikings? Falcons are some baaaaaaad birds man, tho Vikings can get testy too. But I mean c'mon...have you seen the lil helmets they have to put on these birds so'z they don't go nutso on the people handling them? Hitchcockian logic tends to make me look at it this way…a flock of mad birds can make a whole town cower inside a house. But if your indoors is a big ol’ ship AND you’ve got helmets AND shields (all of which oddly seemed to be in short supply in Bodega Bay as I recall) ya gotsta go with the Norse here. VIKINGS
Carolina at St. Louis - Panthers and Rams? Mismatch on paper huh? I mean… seriously. But games ain’t played on paper baby! This could depend on whether or not the ram has been sheared pre-game or not - that’s a secondary algorithm I’m using for future weeks. Panthers , tho, are always sleek. Furthermore black, in addition to making one look thinner, makes one look fast. and I’ll admit to being swayed here on that point. I know sheepdogs trump sheep, but does a panther really know what to do when confronted with a stubborn sheep….on turf (-like synthetic material) no less? RAMS
Denver at Buffalo Broncos and Bills? It’s confusing: is it the wild west guy or the animal? Because I sure don’t think I’ve seen many buffalos in NY – in the one time I drove near an exit heading towards Buffalo, NY. For the sake of analysis let’s go animal against animal. Broncos can run fast and jump higher. Terrain doesn’t factor in here because I don’t think this horse is afraid of anything. If this game was being played in Cody, WY? HUGE advantage to the Buffaloes..I mean Bills...(see? Confusing!) Although, being closer to sea level could be a disadvantage since mile highness helps with some thing or another – I’m sure. I still say horse. BRONCOS
Kansas City at Houston - Chiefs and Texans? This one walked off the sets of spaghetti westerns now didn’t it? I flipped a coin since spaghetti westerns usually didn’t favor one side over the other and Chiefs and (Sam) Houston historically seemed to want to try to get along. Shoot, talk about a pick’um…CHIEFS
Miami at Washington - Dolphins and Redskins?. Water mammal or land mammal. There are several variables to work with and I had to settle on which were going to most likely to factor into the outcome of this meeting. I gave the land mammal a horse to ride since dolphins, from what I’ve learned watching Flipper, can swim hecka fast so I wanted to even up the speed co-efficient in the formula. But unless the game was going to be played in Atlantis, the hecka fastness the dolphin has is somewhat mitigated by the grass (like A LOT somewhat). So horse or no horse, land mammal should romp. REDSKINS
New England at N.Y. Jets - Patriots and Jets? Dudes with muskets against an air armada? C’mon…talk about anachronistic lopsidedness. But cool your eh…jets there for a minute. I think the tax loving King George thought the same thing…’cept with boats. Three Words…Boston Tea Party. PATRIOTS.
Philadelphia at Green Bay - Eagles and Packers? Had to consult the ol’ dictionary (or the closest thing to it, the Internet) to figure out in historic football parlance what the heck a “Packer” is. Calculus needs variables solved for so goshdarnit I’m resolving mine RIGHT now (weekly) . “A packer is someone who works at a packing house, an establishment for slaughtering, processing and packing livestock into meat, meat products and byproducts. Ahhhhhh…feel me tipping the scale in one direction after THAT nugget? But slow down tho…birds aren’t livestock and offing eagles is still illegal I believe. EAGLES
Pittsburgh at Cleveland - Steelers and Browns? UPS commercials are stuck in my head and I’m trying to answer “What Brown Can Do For Me” (thank you Madison Avenue!) but people who can mold hot molten ingredients probably can do more than Browns can for me right about now. At least that’s how I’m feeling this week. STEELERS
Tennessee at Jacksonville – Titans and Jaguars? WOOO. Did the Titans face jaguars back in the day? I have no scouting reports to work from here, so forgive me for flying blind on this. I know they clashed with somebody. I remember Harry Hamlin with an owl and some snakes factoring in there somewhere and that’s about it, so I’m pocketing that knowledge for when the Titans face a bird or a medusa. JAGUARS
Chicago at San Diego - Bears and Chargers? WOW. This is interesting and has me reworking the early stages of a energy/animal or human matchup formula. Those electronic invisible fence thingees? People tell me they work to keep animals fenced in. Bears can find food and stuff you didn’t even know you had in some small compartment of your car. And a little zap might not deter them from getting the snickers bar you didn’t know was wedged between the back seat cushions. You have to put stuff up high for them not to be able to reach it (edge to anybody Mile High or who otherwise take flight in the final version of this formula.) BEARS
Detroit at Oakland - Lions and Raiders? Pirates wielding a Black Hole? Normally I side with animals I wouldn’t want to face in a dark alley (or a lit one…or anywhere but between strong plexiglass or bars, despite the deceptive cuteness factor). But Pirates? And did I mention the Black Holes they wield? I watched a program on Black Holes on the History Channel the other day (which instantly makes me somewhat of an expert for purposes of mascotum mechanics) and the expected survival rate upon entering a Black Hole is either a faction of a second or an finite amount of time after which you I believe are torn to bits. Yikes…RAIDERS
Tampa Bay at Seattle - Buccaneers and Seahawks? My gut reaction earlier in this thread was that the Seahawk would have trouble with anybody. I’ve taken that back. I felt initially that the Bucs with their ship fully equipped with cannon, could do the bird in. But Seahawks have been around the block a few times. Well, I actually take THAT back too. There is no such thing as a seahawk as I have quickly learned (thank you Al Gore for your wonderful invention). Birdologists (or ornithologists if you want me to spell things right) suggest that one of the many birds a “seahawk” could be is a Skua which is “ an ill-tempered seabird that employees piracy to filch food from other birds.” Ahhh that changes the equation NOW doesn’t it? We’re now essentially pirate on pirate. So I’m taking the home winged ill-tempered pirate in its natural habitat. Going around the isthmus may take a bit out of the east coast pirates. SKUA eh..SEAHAWKS.
N.Y. Giants at Dallas – Giants and Cowboys? Tall dudes and guys on horseback. Hmmm. I had to break this down to its basic simpleness. Tall dudes have no weapons, and onliest tall dude I know about mixing it up with people less heighted than himself was Goliath and we know how that game ended. So much for home field advantange. Well these Giants are on the road anyway, but it won’t matter. Cowboys with guns trump boy with slingshot. Boy with slingshot trumps giants. (and my parents said my degree in Philosophy wouldn’t come in handy) So by the power of simple deduction (or BCS-like permutations) COWBOYS.
Monday, Sep. 10
Baltimore at Cincinnati - Ravens and Bengals? Maybe its my love of Tigger, or maybe it’s the power and majesty that is a Bengal tiger. But I’ was about as close as locking this down in the tiger column as one can get. Poeism suggests however that ravens have the power to grab one’s rapt (or rapped?) attention and one will need one’s opponent’s attention raptly grabbed(…gently) if one’s opponent outweighs one by a few hundred pounds. Once upon a Monday dreary…RAVENS
Arizona at San Francisco – Cardinals and 49ers? See? I’m still feeling the idea that a mascot who in addition to mining for gold has at his/her disposal some kick$$$ sourdough to work with as well. Any time it matches up with a bird, the bird instinctually is distracted. I don’t know what exactly Cardinals eat, but they ain’t gonna pass up San Francisco sourdough regardless of whatever it is they naturally eat . Carnivores and herbivores maybe can, but crumbivores ? No way! 49ERS.
