Is this normal?

[funkykingston]

I just finished driving home from a friend's funeral. Considering I'm not yet 30, I think I've been to way too many already. In any event, seeing arwen undomiel's thread (just a weird coincidence) has choked me up again.

But here's my question. This isn't the first friend or family member that took their own life. And every single time, for weeks, months or even years I just keep replaying conversations and events, and wondering what I could have done differently that might have changed things for her. For anyone else who has been in the same situation, am I the only one that does this? Is this normal? It certainly doesn't seem healthy. It started last week when I first got the news and was the only thing I thought of during the long drive home.

Anyway, I had planned to take a break from a few things, one of them being posting on this message board and a couple others that I visit fairly regularly. I know when I'm in a bad mood I tend to be rude, so I didn't want to do that here.

I thought maybe getting some work done would help. It didn't. I don't have the focus to read much and I can't sleep. Anyway, wasting time online seems to be a nice distraction. Plus a whole crop of Kings rumors seemed to crop up in the last couple days with Reef, Nene and Adelman.

If you don't mind, I may continue to waste space here.

 

[arwen undomiel]

My condolences - this can't be an easy time for you.

Here's my 2 cents (for whatever it's worth).

"Normal" is a relative concept.

Everyone deals with loss differently, and although I have never personally lost anyone close, I can't say I'd feel any differently than you do, wondering if you might somehow have prevented it. I don't think it's abnormal at all. It's just how you deal with this grief.

 

[6th]

Dear dear funky, you have my sincerest condolences and prayers. Losing someone close is always painful, but when that someone takes their own life, it is only natural to wonder if you could have said or done something that would have prevented it. My belief is that there is nothing you could have done to stop your friend, if her mind was set in carrying this out. The reason is that she was thinking only of her own pain or difficulties.

It is perfectly natural to replay things in your mind over and over. But, you are not responsible for another person's decision. Grieving is necessary, but just try not to take on her responibility by feeling any guilt. It never helps.

What you are feeling may not be healthy, but it is very common. Silly little distractions like message boards seem like a good thing to me. We will support you.

PM me anytime you want to talk.

 

[Prophetess]

My sincerest condolences. I agree with what both arwen and 6th have said so far. The only thing I would add is that you might consider consulting a professional to get some grief counseling.

 

[mcsluggo]

I've had two friends commit suicide (one very close) and I reacted EXACTLY the same way, and still dwell occasionally even though it has been years.

I think its natural to think "how could this have worked out differently -- what could I have done" after a huge loss, and it is hard to imagine a loss that feels more tragic or preventable than a suicide.

I also know for a fact that I am not now, nor will I ever be, quite the same as I was before the experience. We can debate or pontificate about whether that is normal/healthy or not, but in the end I think it is just fact. It is just a scar that I carry around now.

 

[hoopsfan]

My condolances as well. I know exactly what you're feeling. In fact, it's been one year today since the funeral of my friend who also took his own life.
I think mcsluggo said it well:

I've had two friends commit suicide (one very close) and I reacted EXACTLY the same way, and still dwell occasionally even though it has been years.

I think its natural to think "how could this have worked out differently -- what could I have done" after a huge loss, and it is hard to imagine a loss that feels more tragic or preventable than a suicide.

I also know for a fact that I am not now, nor will I ever be, quite the same as I was before the experience. We can debate or pontificate about whether that is normal/healthy or not, but in the end I think it is just fact. It is just a scar that I carry around now.

Prayers for you and all the lives that your friend touched. Dwell on the good memories. I'm sure we'll talk about Patrick today at work..and laugh..and cry, and that's ok.

 

[VF21]

Funky - You're just as "normal" as the rest of us. Life is full of regrets, and none are as strong as those you feel when you're trying to come to terms with grief.

Ultimately, we each have our paths in life to walk. Sometimes we choose to allow others to walk with us, sometimes we walk alone. If we choose a certain branch in the road, it's our decision - not those we happened to meet on our journey.

It's okay to look back and wonder if you could have done something differently. In a similar situation, I did the same thing. And, like hoopsfan, I've talked about Gene with friends since, and we've accepted that it was his decision. We'll always have regrets that he chose to make that decision, but we, too, dwell on the good memories.

Prayers for you and everyone else in this time of grief...

And of course you can continue to waste space here. We'd be very disappointed if you didn't.

 

[GoGoGadget]

I, too, have known two people who took their own lives. One was a VERY close friend, and the other was... well, a psycho guy who stalked me for two years before commiting suicide as my "Christmas present" almost five years ago.

There's not a single day that goes by that I don't think about both of them. After years of blaming myself and questioning what I could have done differently (in both situations) I've come to the realization that there really wasn't.

I think its natural for us to assume that we have the inherent ability to fix everything and everyone, and, therefore, if something goes wrong, its because we didn't live up to that ability. Because we failed where we should have succeeded. That's not the case, though. There are some things that can't be fixed. There are some people that can't be saved.

My deepest sympathies for your loss -- I know the position far too well.

 

[funkykingston]

Thanks for the kind words and commiseration. It is appreciated.

I would have replied earlier, but I couldn't bring myself to read this thread after my initial posting until just now.

 

[Londonking]

My condolences Funky.

This is such a tragic thread. I can add nothing, other than to say im so sorry......

 

[tbear03]

My condolences funkykingston, and to all other members who have had to deal with such personal and heart wrenching losses; take comfort in Christ's arms as you continue on your own journey.

 

[ONEZERO]

ive never known anyone who commited suicide, but i had a very close friend who was hit by a car j-walking and died a couple days later from massive head trauma. i was with him the same day he got hit. strange thing about it is my brother was supposed to pick him up to go play ball, but for some reason my brother hits traffic where he had never hit traffic before and there was no accidents. so he ends up telling my friend to walk to the park, and what do u know, he gets hit trying to go to the park. i pass by the cemetary every day going to work and i just reminice about the good ol' days we had. every day i think about him at least 20-25 times. its crazy. i know how u feel, but i dont know how it is to know someone who commited suicide.

my condolences go out to u and anyone else who has had close one pass away.