Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Bide your time, and don't do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know.
You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Bide your time, and don't do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know.
