arwen undomiel
Bench
Quote:ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, ! 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half
dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at
the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or
twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's
right." So shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with a few items and the lady
behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of
those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items! , she picked up the "divider," looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she
said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed
my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on
the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was
using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote
door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I
asked. "No, just this remote thingy,"
she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't
you drive over there and ch! eck about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put
it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the
manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the
"Cruise Control" and then went in the back to make a tuna sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of
a large bank.
Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch
banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my
terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed.
NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants, the
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine,
the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....Dispatcher: Rush
him in to Emergency!
Quote:Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
````````````
"Smoking kills.! If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)
```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca
```````````
"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
``````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP (man he's smart)
````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
``````````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, ! 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half
dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at
the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or
twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's
right." So shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with a few items and the lady
behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of
those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items! , she picked up the "divider," looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she
said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed
my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on
the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was
using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote
door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I
asked. "No, just this remote thingy,"
she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't
you drive over there and ch! eck about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put
it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the
manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the
"Cruise Control" and then went in the back to make a tuna sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of
a large bank.
Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch
banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my
terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed.
NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants, the
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine,
the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....Dispatcher: Rush
him in to Emergency!
Quote:Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
````````````
"Smoking kills.! If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)
```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca
```````````
"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
``````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP (man he's smart)
````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
``````````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
