arwen undomiel
Bench
> PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD
> SQUARES"
>
> According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to
> start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait
> a while. Why?
> PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.
>
> Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in
> the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
> CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver--that's why they asked the
> question.
>
> James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was
> forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things
> I ever did. What was it?
> MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.
>
> Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
> them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What
> are they?
> CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.
>
> Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have
> something very important. What?
> PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.
>
> According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors
> than drinking. What?
> CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.
>
> When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something
> behind. What?
> PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.
> You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for
> the Kabuki. Why?
> PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.
>
> If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at
> least how high?
> CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
>
> Do female frogs croak?
> PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.
>
> True or false: Many people sleep better in their street
> clothes than they do in their pajamas.
> PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.
>
> According to psychologists, when a child begins to get
> curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his
> mommy and daddy?
> PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?
>
> Why do the Hell's Angels wear leather?
> PAUL LYNDE: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily
Top 8 Mentally Challenged of 2004
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines,
wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart".
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the
man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake
Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of
Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were
having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby
marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell
them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was
the trailer
> SQUARES"
>
> According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to
> start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait
> a while. Why?
> PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.
>
> Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in
> the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
> CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver--that's why they asked the
> question.
>
> James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was
> forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things
> I ever did. What was it?
> MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.
>
> Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
> them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What
> are they?
> CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.
>
> Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have
> something very important. What?
> PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.
>
> According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors
> than drinking. What?
> CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.
>
> When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something
> behind. What?
> PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.
> You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for
> the Kabuki. Why?
> PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.
>
> If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at
> least how high?
> CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
>
> Do female frogs croak?
> PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.
>
> True or false: Many people sleep better in their street
> clothes than they do in their pajamas.
> PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.
>
> According to psychologists, when a child begins to get
> curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his
> mommy and daddy?
> PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?
>
> Why do the Hell's Angels wear leather?
> PAUL LYNDE: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily
Top 8 Mentally Challenged of 2004
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines,
wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart".
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the
man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake
Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of
Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were
having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby
marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell
them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was
the trailer
