arwen undomiel
Bench
These are excerpts from a new book called "Disorder in the American
Courts",
and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
and not
laughing while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
________ ______________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you w hen he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
__ ____________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
; A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female e?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere
One of my personal faves...
It started out innocently enough.
I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen
up.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and
soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself --
but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and
more important to me, and finally I was thinking all
the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One
evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife
about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her
mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and
employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read
Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office
dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we
are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I
like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your
thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop
thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early
after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a
divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You
think as much as college professors, and college
professors don't make any money, so if you keep on
thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She
exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was
in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm
going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the
door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some
Nietzsche.
I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio
and! ran up to the big glass doors...
They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking
out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass,
whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it
asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the
standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am
what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a
TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational
video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share
experiences about how we avoided thinking since the
last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at
home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I
stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is
nearly complete for me.
Today, I registered to vote as a Republican.
Courts",
and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
and not
laughing while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
________ ______________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you w hen he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
__ ____________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
; A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female e?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere
One of my personal faves...
It started out innocently enough.
I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen
up.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and
soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself --
but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and
more important to me, and finally I was thinking all
the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One
evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife
about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her
mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and
employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read
Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office
dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we
are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I
like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your
thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop
thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early
after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a
divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You
think as much as college professors, and college
professors don't make any money, so if you keep on
thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She
exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was
in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm
going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the
door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some
Nietzsche.
I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio
and! ran up to the big glass doors...
They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking
out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass,
whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it
asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the
standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am
what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a
TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational
video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share
experiences about how we avoided thinking since the
last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at
home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I
stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is
nearly complete for me.
Today, I registered to vote as a Republican.
