From the inbox

[VF21]

I know we all get stuff from friends in our inbox that we want to share with others. For that reason, I'm creating this thread. Here's something I received today from a friend who just returned from his third tour of duty in Iraq:

I Believe

I Believe a birth certificate shows that we were born, a death certificate shows we died and pictures show we lived!

I believe that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I believe we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe you either control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but it doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I believe that credential on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

 

[VF21]

Ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they show down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In".

5. Put decaf in the coffee make for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds."

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order (with a serious look on your face) a diet water whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." Repeat it at least twice.

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. When the money comes out at the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

 

[Spike]

Technical Support Calls

Funny...


#7 is how I teach all of my math classes.


Here's my contribution:

Tech Support Representative: Hello, this is Tech Support, How may I help you?

Caller: Hello, is this technical support?

Rep: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed.

Rep: I’m sorry, but did you say a “cup holder?”

Caller: Yes. It’s attached to the front of my computer.

Rep: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It’s because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer. I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4x’ on it.

At this point the Tech support rep muted the caller because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

 

[VF21]

From www.gcfl.net:

Jump Start

About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time, so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand in starting the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car, and drove off.

I sat there fuming, wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by, and when I saw her in the rear view mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear with my directions!

 

[VF21]

CHP and the radar gun

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, North of MCAS Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

At the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

Back came a reply in true USMC style:

Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar was destroyed.

Thank you for your concerns.

 

[VF21]

Titled "You Can't Fix Stupid"...

 

[VF21]

 

[VF21]

Okay, this last one is just mean...

 

[Bricklayer]

Some of those are great.

 

[kennadog]

OMG, the newspaper ones had me rollin'!

 

[Kingsgirl4]

Those were really funny VF. I love the one of the boy who saved his sister. Sounds like something Little Princess Might say!!! LOL

 

[VF21]

Titled: Las Vegas Churches

This may come as a surprise to those not living in Las Vegas, but it is a very spiritual city, with more Catholic churches than casinos!

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the donation tray is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method of turning the chips into cash.

They send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery, where the patient and detail-oriented men sort and count the chips. The chips are then taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.


















You didn't even see it coming, did you?

 

[VF21]

Surviving Childhood...

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were OK.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them. CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

 

[Warhawk]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

 

[Spike]

I was sent the following:

 

[VF21]

Those are great, Spike! I particularly like the elephant one.

 

[Warhawk]

A letter to the bank:

Dear Sirs,

In view of current developments in the banking market, if one of
my cheques is returned marked 'insufficient funds', does that refer
to me or to you?

Yours Faithfully.

 

[VF21]

My mom sent me this one.

Noise Complaint at Luke AFB, AZ


Luke AFB is west of Phoenix and is rapidly being surrounded by civilization that complains about the noise from the base and its planes, forgetting that it was there long before they were.

A certain lieutenant colonel at Luke AFB deserves a big pat on the back.

Apparently, an individual who lives somewhere near Luke AFB wrote the local paper complaining about a group of F-16s that disturbed his/her day at the mall.

When that individual read the response from a Luke AFB officer, it must have stung quite a bit.

The complaint:

'Question of the day for Luke Air Force Base: Whom do we thank for the morning air show?

Last Wednesday, at precisely 9:11 A.M, a tight formation of four F-16 jets made a low pass over Arrowhead Mall, continuing west over Bell Road at approximately 500 feet. Imagine our good fortune!

Do the Tom Cruise-wannabes feel we need this wake -up call, or were they trying to impress the cashiers at Mervyns early bird special?

Any response would be appreciated.


The response:

Regarding 'A wake-up call from Luke's jets' On June 15, at precisely 9:12 a.m., a perfectly timed four-ship fly by of F-16s from the 63rd Fighter Squadron at Luke Air Force Base flew over the grave of Capt. Jeremy Fresques.

Capt Fresques was an Air Force officer who was previously stationed at Luke Air Force Base and was killed in Iraq on May 30, Memorial Day.

At 9 a. m. on June 15, his family and friends gathered at Sunland Memorial Park in Sun City to mourn the loss of a husband, son and friend.

Based on the letter writer's recount of the fly by, and because of the jet noise, I'm sure you didn't hear the 21-gun salute, the playing of taps, or my words to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques as I gave them their son's flag on behalf of the President of the United States and all those veterans and servicemen and women who understand the sacrifices they have endured.

A four-ship fly by is a display of respect the Air Force gives to those who give their lives in defense of freedom.

We are professional aviators and take our jobs seriously, and on June 15 what the letter writer witnessed was four officers lining up to pay their ultimate respects.

The letter writer asks, 'Whom do we thank for the morning air show?"

The 56th Fighter Wing will make the call for you, and forward your thanks to the widow and parents of Capt Fresques, and thank them for you, for it was in their honor that my pilots flew the most honorable formation of their lives.

Only 2 defining forces have ever offered to die for you...Jesus Christ and the American Soldier. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

Lt. Col. Grant L. Rosensteel, Jr.
USAF

 

[kennadog]

*ouch* That had to hurt And it should.


As an aside, I cannot understand anyone who buys a home near a known noise source or some other "nuisance" operation and then proceeds to complain. To me they are just highlighting what an ignorant decision they made in the first place.

It's like buying next to a farm and then complaining about crop dusters or the clouds of dust kicked up by plowing and harvesting. Well, duh.

 

[VF21]

It's like buying next to a farm and then complaining about crop dusters or the clouds of dust kicked up by plowing and harvesting. Well, duh.

One of my favorites is the guy who moved up here from Los Angeles and had the nerve to complain at a Town Hall meeting about the siren from the volunteer fire department! He's the same guy who bought 8 acres of nicely forested land and then wanted to clear-cut it so he'd have a "better view."

 

[VF21]

When grandma goes to court
posted on 2008-01-17 20:06:02

http://www.wvwnews.net/story.php?id=3029

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

 

[Elise10]

When grandma goes to court
posted on 2008-01-17 20:06:02

http://www.wvwnews.net/story.php?id=3029

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

LOL.....must really be a small town!

 

[kennadog]

Good one, VF!

 

[JSin]

I believe you can keep going long after you think you can't.

Truth. The brain will always think it needs to quit before the body actually does.

 

[VF21]

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

 

[VF21]

And one more...

Subject: Words for women to live by

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the ***** has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember wherever there is a good looking,sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bull****!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are hard.

14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

"Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there."

"Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live today."

Now smile and send to any woman wasting time at work, or just suffering from work, who might need a reason to smile!

 

[VF21]

When Insults Had Class - Smack: Old Style

The exchange between Winston Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
________________________________

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
________________________________

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
________________________________

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
_______________________________

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

________________________________

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to thedictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
________________________________

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
________________________________

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
________________________________

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
________________________________

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
________________________________

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
________________________________

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
________________________________

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
________________________________

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
________________________________

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
_______________________________

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
________________________________

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker uncle
________________________________

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
________________________________

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
_______________________________

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
________________________________

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
________________________________

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

 

[kennadog]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing..
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

*****
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ***, it always comes back to bite you

 

[Warhawk]

I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

That’s enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the EFF was going on when I first saw it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear the computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

“LOL” has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say.”

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart” all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart.”

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies.”

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it. Thanks, Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just won’t do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this. Ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me about herself but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. (You mean you don’t? DUH!)

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time.

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

The other night I ordered takeout and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

 

[kennadog]

Warhawk: I was reading the above while at work. This was bad. I was laughing so hard a few times and trying not to laugh out loud. This darn near caused coffee to come out my nose. I choked instead. Thanks for starting my Monday off great!