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The first summer-time Rosen Awards
Charley Rosen / Special to FOXSports.com
Posted: 1 day ago
Ron Artest is the proud recipient of
not one, but two Rosen Awards.
(Rocky Widner / Getty Images)
What with so many trades, free-agent signings, coaches coming and going, as well as arrests and trials, the NBA really has no off-season. So, then, with the official arrival of autumn, here are the first annual summer-time Rosen Awards.
THE DOG ATE MY ALARM CLOCK
The recipient is Isaiah Rider for failing to show up in court for his sentencing after being found guilty of six misdemeanors. Whereas his chronic tardiness in the NBA resulted in fines, Rider's latest transgressions resulted in a pair of arrest warrants.
Because of his long rap sheet, the award has been renamed the Rider Award and has been permanently retired.
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING MUCH
And the winner is ... Chris Wilcox. For his outstanding performances in 29 meaningless, no-pressure games to close out last season in Seattle, a role which earned him a humungous contract. Caveat emptor.
THE BEST DEFENSE IS AN ILLEGAL OFFENSE
Karl Malone takes this one home, for allegedly trying to bribe an eye-witness who might otherwise have testified to his hunting without the proper license. This development was not at all surprising since, during his NBA career, Malone was always guilty of shooting first and never asking questions.
KILL A FLEA WITH AN A-BOMB
According to Ron Artest, this was the moral, as well as his self-justification, for the infamous Pandemonium in the Palace: "If you have to protect yourself, then you have to protect yourself." After all, even though Artest measures 6-foot-7, 250, his getting splashed with a half-cup of cold water could easily prove to be lethal.
THE WORST SHOT EVER TAKEN
This award goes to Lonnie Baxter for firing away in close proximity of the White House. Some of his defenders claim that he was merely working on his perimeter shooting. Others that he was actually aiming at a dark cloud and was trying to make rain.
In any event, it's fortunate that both on-court and off-court Baxter can't even shoot himself in the foot.
MERRY FIST
This award is grabbed (with one hand) by Eddie Griffin.
HELLO, I MUST BE GOING
Mike Montgomery gets the booby prize after repeatedly insisting that the transition from the NCAA to the NBA was a piece of cake. As a consequence, in his next job Montgomery must do his coaching while wearing a one-size-fits-all eyeglasses-nose-and-moustache a la Groucho Marx. Perhaps he could also be induced to sing a chorus of Lydia, the Tattooed Lady.
GOLD-DIGGER
This goes to Allen Heckard, who announced that he was suing Michael Jordan for $83M on the grounds that their physical resemblance created unbearable anguish and distress. Heckard also volunteered to forgo the litigation if MJ underwent plastic surgery. In the end, Heckard purchased new eye-glasses for himself and his friends, along with a new mirror, and dropped the suit.
The latest rumor is that Heckard is going to have his entire face pierced and then sue Dennis Rodman.
QUACK-QUACK
This award goes to the medical advisors who cleared Amare Stoudemire to make not one, but two foolishly premature attempts to return to the court. Since a full recovery from the kind of radical knee surgery to which Stoudemire was subjected usually requires two full years, a third Quack is being held in abeyance.
TIME WARP
When Artest heard the news that Rick Adelman had been replaced on the Kings' bench, he said, "Oh, good. We got Musselman." Artest was somewhat dismayed, however, when he learned that his new coach would be Eric and not Bill. "Oh," said Artest, "I didn't know it was his son." Apparently Artest never registered the fact that Bill passed away more than six years ago.
No wonder Artest is the summer's only double-winner/loser.
Charley Rosen is FOXSports.com's NBA analyst and author of 13 books about hoops, the current one being "The pivotal season, How the 1971-72 L.A. Lakers changed the NBA."
http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/5992260
Charley Rosen / Special to FOXSports.com
Posted: 1 day ago
Ron Artest is the proud recipient of
not one, but two Rosen Awards.
(Rocky Widner / Getty Images)
What with so many trades, free-agent signings, coaches coming and going, as well as arrests and trials, the NBA really has no off-season. So, then, with the official arrival of autumn, here are the first annual summer-time Rosen Awards.
THE DOG ATE MY ALARM CLOCK
The recipient is Isaiah Rider for failing to show up in court for his sentencing after being found guilty of six misdemeanors. Whereas his chronic tardiness in the NBA resulted in fines, Rider's latest transgressions resulted in a pair of arrest warrants.
Because of his long rap sheet, the award has been renamed the Rider Award and has been permanently retired.
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING MUCH
And the winner is ... Chris Wilcox. For his outstanding performances in 29 meaningless, no-pressure games to close out last season in Seattle, a role which earned him a humungous contract. Caveat emptor.
THE BEST DEFENSE IS AN ILLEGAL OFFENSE
Karl Malone takes this one home, for allegedly trying to bribe an eye-witness who might otherwise have testified to his hunting without the proper license. This development was not at all surprising since, during his NBA career, Malone was always guilty of shooting first and never asking questions.
KILL A FLEA WITH AN A-BOMB
According to Ron Artest, this was the moral, as well as his self-justification, for the infamous Pandemonium in the Palace: "If you have to protect yourself, then you have to protect yourself." After all, even though Artest measures 6-foot-7, 250, his getting splashed with a half-cup of cold water could easily prove to be lethal.
THE WORST SHOT EVER TAKEN
This award goes to Lonnie Baxter for firing away in close proximity of the White House. Some of his defenders claim that he was merely working on his perimeter shooting. Others that he was actually aiming at a dark cloud and was trying to make rain.
In any event, it's fortunate that both on-court and off-court Baxter can't even shoot himself in the foot.
MERRY FIST
This award is grabbed (with one hand) by Eddie Griffin.
HELLO, I MUST BE GOING
Mike Montgomery gets the booby prize after repeatedly insisting that the transition from the NCAA to the NBA was a piece of cake. As a consequence, in his next job Montgomery must do his coaching while wearing a one-size-fits-all eyeglasses-nose-and-moustache a la Groucho Marx. Perhaps he could also be induced to sing a chorus of Lydia, the Tattooed Lady.
GOLD-DIGGER
This goes to Allen Heckard, who announced that he was suing Michael Jordan for $83M on the grounds that their physical resemblance created unbearable anguish and distress. Heckard also volunteered to forgo the litigation if MJ underwent plastic surgery. In the end, Heckard purchased new eye-glasses for himself and his friends, along with a new mirror, and dropped the suit.
The latest rumor is that Heckard is going to have his entire face pierced and then sue Dennis Rodman.
QUACK-QUACK
This award goes to the medical advisors who cleared Amare Stoudemire to make not one, but two foolishly premature attempts to return to the court. Since a full recovery from the kind of radical knee surgery to which Stoudemire was subjected usually requires two full years, a third Quack is being held in abeyance.
TIME WARP
When Artest heard the news that Rick Adelman had been replaced on the Kings' bench, he said, "Oh, good. We got Musselman." Artest was somewhat dismayed, however, when he learned that his new coach would be Eric and not Bill. "Oh," said Artest, "I didn't know it was his son." Apparently Artest never registered the fact that Bill passed away more than six years ago.
No wonder Artest is the summer's only double-winner/loser.
Charley Rosen is FOXSports.com's NBA analyst and author of 13 books about hoops, the current one being "The pivotal season, How the 1971-72 L.A. Lakers changed the NBA."
http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/5992260
