In all the upheaval with the recent loss of the Pope and Johnnie Cochran (and even the Purdue Chicken guy), another recent loss, which went largely unrecognized was perhaps my favorite comedian, Mitch Hedberg.
New York Times (via IndyStar.com): Mitch Hedberg was a comedian
RIP, Mitch
"I wish I could play little league now... I'd be way better than before."
"I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
"2-in-1 is a bull**** term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created."
"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time."
"I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
"I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited 'cause his kite was in the sky. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed... Imagine trying to fly a chair; you'd have to run like a mother****er."
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right."
"My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
"I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name: sponge-ruiner... Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips..."
"The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who would get real mad if she ever heard me say that."
New York Times (via IndyStar.com): Mitch Hedberg was a comedian
RIP, Mitch
"I wish I could play little league now... I'd be way better than before."
"I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
"2-in-1 is a bull**** term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created."
"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time."
"I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
"I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited 'cause his kite was in the sky. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed... Imagine trying to fly a chair; you'd have to run like a mother****er."
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right."
"My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
"I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name: sponge-ruiner... Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips..."
"The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who would get real mad if she ever heard me say that."
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