KingsFans.com Official Game Day Thread
Off-Season Edition #1
2014 NBA Draft
Off-Season Edition #1
2014 NBA Draft
By Stephen Tetsu, Kingsfans.com Staff Ice Cream Muncher
Before he was Sir Boogie of Sacramento, Demarcus was just Boogie
Oh boy, that was fun.
It's been over two months since the last Kings game of the season (an unspectacular ending to the season where, without Cuz, B-Mac suddenly played like we all expected him to all year) and, hence, my last game thread of the year to match. But, me being the twenty-something raconteur that I am, itchy fingers have prevailed and, in a bid to start rounding into form for next season, I decided to approach today's draft (well, tomorrow for those of us living across the Pacific) like a typical mid-season game, meaning lots of fluff and little to no analysis (if you're looking for in-depth hard-hitting analysis or coverage look at the myriad of other threads on this site, primarily posts by such hard hitters as Bajaden (for prospect scouting reports) and Capt. Factorial, among many others).
As always, game threads (or in this case, Draft Threads) are meant to be places to comment on the event at hand, or, if that's too much for you, a place to post funny gifs of cats in places they shouldn't be. That all being said, I still need to write something to justify the existence of this post so here we go...
Nothing can stop homeboy Petey D.
Over the past several weeks, the Kings have been connected with just about anybody looking to do anything. If there's a trade to be made, there's apparently a pretty good chance that Pete D'Alessandro is trying to get in on the action. If your son traded his carrots for a pudding pop at school today, it's pretty darn likely Pete is somewhere nibbling on some carrots or at least trying to pawn them off to another guy for his car keys.
Pete D'Alessandro is like one of those people who will start with ten dollars and somehow, after a day at the flea market, come home with twenty bucks, a beaten up Dodge Durango, a trunk full of twine, your cousin's birth certificate, a box of old girly mags, and the phone number of a seedy massage parlor in the bad part of town. You don't know how he does it but you know it'll be messy, sloppy, and done with the desperation of a lonely barfly at last call.
After over a decade and a half of Geoff Petrie's glacial approach to team building (excluding his annual guard infatuation binge), it's a welcome change. I'm fairly certain Geoff Petrie wasn't even awake for half of his drafts, rather just opting to sleep in and have his subordinates call in whoever the hell was 6'7" and capable of shooting the ball and draftable.
But those days are long gone. Now Mr. Hyperactive Call-Every-Ten-Minutes is in charge and our lives as Kings fans are more exciting for it. Seriously. I have absolutely no clue what's going to happen this year and it's freaking AWESOME!
And judging by most of the rumors coming out, the front office knows what it needs to do to get this time better. Shotblocking, defense, a point guard who plays defense. Maybe the front office isn't full of morons, after all. I guess we'll be able to tell by the end of the night.
Kingsfans.com Official NBA Ice Cream Mock Draft
My apologies if you're lactose intolerant.
My apologies if you're lactose intolerant.
Tired of mock drafts? Me too! Let's talk about ice cream instead! Here is my mock draft, featuring the 31 original flavors offered by the now ubiquitous titan of the sweet stuff, Baskin Robbins. (Original flavors according to this list: http://www.buzzfeed.com/louispeitzman/31-flavors-of-baskin-robbins-ice-cream-in-case-you-dont-feel )
1. Cleveland -Vanilla
In a shocking upset, plain ole' vanilla prevails over its flashier brethren. No word yet as to how their European import coach plans to use it in his exotic non-American (and thus non-awesome) plans. Just don't let Anthony Bennett eat too much of it.
2. Milwaukee - Strawberry
After struggling through most of last season like a deer that jumped back into the woods after getting hit by a big rig, the Bucks go with the safe, but delicious, choice in strawberry, determined to bring some stability to a line-up currently featuring the NBA's most expensive boondoggle in Larry Sanders.
3. Philadelphia - Coffee
In a stunning surprise, coffee jumps up the draft ladder to the Sixers at the three spot. Bitter with some underlying tones of sweetness, just like people from Philly (or maybe I'm overselling the City of Brotherly Love a bit). Either way, the potential caffeine boost from coffee-flavored ice cream is probably what you'll need to stay awake watching a team starring Michael Carter-Williams and the gigantic question mark that is Nerlens Noel.
4. Orlando- Chocolate Fudge
Hearty, bolsterous. That's the sort of impact Orlando wants to add to its roster and nothing is richer or more fulfilling than Chocolate fudge. But you'd better enjoy it while it lasts, Orlando, because the flavor will be abandoning you for Hollywood in a half decade!
5. Utah- French Vanilla
After losing a lot of its old guns over the past several seasons, Utah's looking for an old standby to give their franchise some stability. And nothing says stability than everyone's favorite french export! Plus it'll fit in well with the Salt Lake community.
6. Celtics- Chocolate
In a dramatic fall down the draft boards, Chocolate falls to Boston at pick number six. Ever the opportunist, Danny Ainge nabs every child's favorite summer time treat to pair with Rajon Rondo and his twenty million other picks for the season as he rebuilds Boston basketball (or he trades Rondo to us).
7. Lakers- Lemon Sherbet
It's the Lakers, coming off of two years of uncharacteristic mediocrity, meaning that they'll be trying to make a splash and nothing makes a bigger splash than the bright, refreshing flavors of Lemon Sherbet. Plus, it meshes well with their pee-toned team colors. Just watch out for Kobe, he seems like more of a spumoni guy.
8. Sacramento- Rocky Road
There is no flavor of ice cream that better encompasses the Sacramento Kings franchise over the past decade. But knowing Pete D'Alessandro, he'll be trading our pick in the ice cream draft for a higher pick in next year's Pizza draft instead.
9. Charlotte- Egg Nog
Christmas came early for Charlotte! What better way to welcome the Hornets back the Carolinas than with some festive Egg Nog? After making the playoffs, things are looking up for Buzz City. So celebrate! Grandma won't notice if you put in a dash of something special to the mix.
10. Philadelphia- Chocolate Chip
Pick number two for the busy Sixers has them sticking wight he best available ice cream flavor as they continue to replenish their depleted talent supply. Doesn't exactly mesh with coffee but still better than other options available.
11. Denver- Chocolate Mint
With most of the top talent now off the board, the mightly mediocre Nuggets wind up choosing Chocolate Mint, a solid, if not undersized contributor who offers some offensive punch but is completely lacking in defensive drive, which won't stop Brian Shaw from putting Kenneth Faried behind him in the rotation.
12. Orlando- Orange Sherbert
With their second pick, the Magic go for Orange Sherbet, a big hit with the "I'm watching my weight!" (but not really) crowd. Pretty devoid of talent that isn't old or Victor Oladipo, O.R. goes on to be a key contributor for a Magic team that somehow challenges for a playoff spot.
13. Minnesota- Peppermint Fudge Ribbon
Still convinced they can make it work with Kevin Love, the Woves aim to make a splash with Peppermint Fudge Ribbon, sheer overkill from the flavor department. Sometimes you just have to cut ties and start over but The T-Wolves may just be like that ex-girl friend who keeps calling you three months after you've gotten engaged to someone else.
14. Phoenix- Butterscotch Ribbon
Coming off a surprising campaign, the Suns aim to bolster their ranks through the draft, specifically focusing upon their frontcourt. Having already spent a lottery pick on Alex Len last year, the Suns go with Butterscotch Ribbon, a integral piece that'll add new depth to the Suns' flavor rainbow with Dragic and Bledsoe.
15. Atlanta- Peach
A perfect fit for Georgia's team, Peach-flavored ice cream is a bit of a stretch at this spot but will help provide some depth behind Al Horford when he hurts himself early in the season again. Just don't get in Paul Milsap's way.
16. Chicago- Chocolate Ribbon
Not really taking the draft seriously since they're aiming for Carmelo in free agency, the Bulls front office takes the night off and sets the draft room to auto-pilot, nabbing the best available flavor in Chocolate Ribbon, a guy who'll probably be gone in a few hours as part of a trade anyways.
17. Boston- Chocolate Almond
Continuing with the rebuilding effort, the Celtics go with the project player in Chocolate Almond. Not with out its crunchy spots, Chocolate Almond has real potential if done right and not just a hastily slopped together mess in the wrong hands.
18. Phoenix- Green Mint Stick
Having just picked, the Suns continue their talent gathering mission with Green Mint stick, an ice cream that always is in production despite no one ever actually wanting to buy it. Unloved by all but its few hardcore fans, Green Mint Stick finds its perfect place on the bench of a youthful but unspectacular Phoenix crew.
19. Chicago- Peppermint Stick
Not really something people go about asking for, Peppermint Stick is useful in a pinch, such as after a date meal featuring loads of garlic. You may not love it but your girlfriend will appreciate the brisk freshness.
20. Toronto- Banana Nut Fudge
That darlings of the 2013-2014 season, the Raptors add some frontcourt depth with the beefy Banana Nut Fudge, a rough-and-tumble edgy guy from the Bronx sporting some neck tattoos and twenty-seven kids out of wedlock but with a heart of gold. Naturally, he'll wind up behind John Salmons in the rotation.
21. Oklahoma City- Lemon Custard
Looking to spice up their SG rotation, the Thunder select the tart but sweet and creamy Lemon Custard. Though there are questions about its defensive skills, Lemon Curd will see time as a rookie based on the fact it can hit an open three.
22. Memphis- Black Walnut
While Black Walnut lacks the stats of most of its fellow draftees, Memphis takes a chance because Hollinger and all the stat heads in the front office fall in love with some of his new-age-y space numbers ("His Jump-Shot-Per-56-minutes-efficiency-percentage numbers are off the charts!").
23. Utah- Burgundy Cherry
Not that concerned about immediate returns, the Jazz take on a French project two years in a row, this time with the relatively unknown Burgundy Cherry, a sassy guard from his namesake region. Whether or not Burgundy or Gobbert pan out remains to be seen. Plus its names after Ron Burgundy... I think...
24. Charlotte- Maple Nut
Not needing a guy who makes an immediate impact, Michael Jordan instead decides to take one of his characteristic massive leaps and grab Canadian import Maple Nut, a flavor that will almost certainly bomb because Michael Jordan was involved in its selection. Michael Jordan, great basketball player, terrible talent evaluator.
25. Houston- Pineapple Sherbet
Completely caught in their effort to attract another free agent to wallow in No Defense Land, the Rockets punt the ball and select the generally underwhelming Pineapple Sherbet with their first round pick. Not that they care, they're gunning for Lebron.
26. Miami- Coffee Candy
Trapped on the edge of a razor and facing down the prospect of a future featuring rapidly fading Dwayne Wade and a collection of aging old guys, the Miami Heat select Coffee Candy in the twilight of the draft, aiming to give themselves something resembling youth but most likely failing because they're the Heat sans Lebron.
27. Phoenix- Lemon Crisp
Owning seemingly half of the picks in the draft, the Suns wind up grabbing Lemon Crisp as time winds down on a long ice cream day, envisioning it as the perfect compliment to Butterscotch Ribbon (the Phoenix Front Office apparently has no sense of taste).
28. Clippers- Raspberry Sherbet
Unencumbered by the pale specter of Donald Sterling (for now), all is seemingly well in Clippersland and all the Lakers- ahem- Clippers fans are all already eagerly anticipating the next season. Thus it comes as no surprise when the Clippers select Raspberry Sherbet to sit him on the bench for a few years to develop behind Chris Paul. Does anyone actually pronounce the 'P' in "Raspberry"?
29. Oklahoma City- Date Nut
Not an STD, Date Nut is apparently a flavor of ice cream, no matter how much it sounds like the name of something a gigolo might catch after a long night of work.
"Hey Bob, what's wrong?"
"Nothing much. I was with a girl last night and I think she gave me Date Nut."
"Bummer man. Don't they have a cream for that now?"
30. San Antonio- Cherry Macaroon
With final pick of the draft, San Antonio picks the seemingly innocuous cherry macaroon-flavored ice cream, which doesn't seem like much now since it'll be staying over in Europe for a few seasons to mature. But check-in a few years later and Pop will have Cherry Macaroon playing like a perennial all-star as Tim Duncan goes for championship number thirty-five.
Undrafted: Vanilla Burnt Almond
First off, it's burnt. Second off, it's just regular vanilla with burnt crap in it. In most places, we call this a mistake. In Baskin Robbins, it's a flavor.
Final Thoughts and Stuff
Happier times: Look at how far back we were picking that year!
Here it is, folks. The most exciting draft day for Kings fans since perhaps the year we drafted Demarcus Cousins. What will happen is anyone's guess. If things play out right, we could be talking about this draft night for the next twenty years. If things go horribly awry, we'll be talking about the draft for the next twenty years for altogether different reasons.
It's 9 AM EST (10 PM on Thursday in Japan for those of you who're curious). You'd best buckle up and get your popcorn ready. And, just in case things go south, get that special bottle of the good stuff ready to drown away your sorrows.
PS: For all of you unaware of the rules, here's a link to the Kingsfans.com policy regarding online streams. OBEY THEM!
All violators will be flogged!
HAPPY DRAFT DAY AND GO KINGS!
